untitled

Anguished, wretching screams
churn in the dark corners.
The shadows of overwhelming
loss stretch and contort,
seeping into every void.
In a fleeting moment, a
breath, a life, a memory
is gone.

clench...

Angry. Confused. Tossing, turning, churning. Desperately clinging to what I wish no longer was. To go back. To return. To be a child holding my father's hand. Unabandoned trust, effortless idolization, eternal pride. To feel safe, secure, unhindered by the pangs of life's toils. I want to tumble into that rabbit hole and find myself in a parallel universe where life actually makes sense and I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and remind myself of this painful, heart-wrenching reality. I want to skip ahead - push beyond all this initial heartache and fast forward to a state of numbness. The anger wells as a defense mechanism... Because I see my mother on the verge of breaking down and I'm forced to leave her to her own vices, licking her wounds and staring into this new, unknown world with blind vision. Oh for just a glimmer into the future...to know what this is all leading to...to understand...to find justification.

Make me a rainbow,
give me eternal sunshine
brilliant, white clouds
sing-song lullabies of
haphazard day dreams
give me cobalt skies
deep and open and free
lush green fields
swaying in honest abandon
Make me a rainbow
so I can dream this
all away.

ache...

I want it back.
That hand to hold when
fears stir within me, that
smile to show me I'm loved.
That laugh that brightens
the darkest day and that
heart that loved
relentlessly.

I want to curl up in those
strong arms and hear
how everything will be ok,
the hands of time to reverse
forever and again call you
father-mine.

wake...

Calloused, dull eyes
stare out in to a gray world.
Black birds devour a lifeless
carcass, pecking competition.
Clouds of onyx silently
scroll across the broken sky.
Snow like ash flutters on
the chilling breeze, a
morbid waltz with no partner.
She hugged the photo to her
breast and wept.

legacy...

Sympathy certainly has many forms and faces. Today I was getting my car inspected and my oil changed before work. I brought my car to the local shop that my whole family has used for years. My brother knows the mechanics there very well, and as such frequent customers, we are known by name. As I was waiting for them to finish up, with the sounds of hydrolic machines and gears clinking in the background, the guy at the front desk paused in the middle of his nonchalant chatter and said how sorry he was about my dad. That right there would have been enough. That's where most people stop. But instead, he went on...and on...and on. 'He was just too young. I'm almost that old. At least he went fast - that's a good thing. But just too young.' Okay, bud. Just stop. Thanks for your condolences and I get it. Trust me, if anyone knew my father passed away too early, I do. But who are we to say when someone has completed their mission here on earth? How can we really say he was too young? To me? Yes. I feel like I didn't have nearly enough time with him. That I'm going to miss him in so many more moments in life. That I feel like he should have been allowed to stay with us for many, many years. But...it's not up to me. He had a purpose. God saw fit that he'd completed that purpose - and completed it well - and it was time to go home. Do I have a hard time understanding it? Of course. Many, many times I've wished to turn back time. To press the rewind button. But life moves forward. The surreality of it all is still so hard to swallow and some days I actually have to remind myself that he isn't coming back. And I get sad, my eyes tear up and all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry for days and days. But we were lucky for the time we did have. For the memories we'll have forever. For the values, the faith and the morals we've had taught to us that will be taught to our children and so on. He may not be physically living, but he is still living on through us and everything that we do. And for that, I can be happy.

hole...

"You have to stop thinking of it like that."

Somehow it's like a broken record. That day...all things horrible about that day...play over and over and over. How the morning began with all the simple signs of normalcy and then...my world came crashing down. Of course since then I've reached out and taken those offered hands to help me back up. I've dusted myself off, greeted each new day with purpose, and yet those flashes of dark memories continue to wander in like curling thunder clouds. The storm can only be abated so long until I inevitable break.

I try so hard to think of the good things. The happy times. The joyful memories. But somehow they're shadowed by the anticipation of fatherless holidays, a fatherless wedding, a fatherless life. The dwelling knowledge that I will get through this - we all will get through this - churns within me. I fight jealousy daily. So jealous of what everyone else has, dreams they can still wish on. I see fathers and daughters and swallow the lump in my throat, the painful desperate wish for just one more day.

This too shall pass.

prince...

I met you in a swirling crowd,
the sonata of a rumbling restaurant
the harmony for our first dance.
You took my hand in yours and
whisked me away to a dream
coming true.

We floated through seasons,
time and space. Whirling snowflakes
and blossoming flowers converged in
a fairytale love. Whispers of
perfection enveloped us.

You led me to a world I
had only dreamed to know. An
essence of emotion my heart yearned
for finally bloomed in effervescing
fervor.

When I first took your hand, I
knew you would never let go.

shards...

I've heard it said that there are five stages to grief. I don't know what they all are, but I know anger is one of them.... I don't believe I'm quite there yet, but I feel it building. Churning, swelling. Like a bubbling black ooze that I'm struggling to swallow down, to hold at bay. Just one impulsive image continually comes to mind in which all that undirected misguided confused emotion could be unleashed. Running, arms extended open wide, through an antique store, screaming. The fragile pieces and collectibles - vases, tea cups, crystal, china - stacked and cluttered against the walls, on tables, along the floor. As I run through, it all inevitably falls crashing to the ground in a euphoric symphony of catastrophic destruction. To hear something else experience the overwhelming incapacitation of being broken.

I keep moving forward. My life is continuing on and happiness charges in like a white night when I think about all the good things I have and will have and have had. It's a constant battle...

breath...

"The Breath You Take"

He looks up from second base, dad's up in the stands
He saw the hit, the run, the slide, there ain't no bigger fan
In the parking lot after the game
He said, "Dad, I thought you had a plane to catch?"
He smiled and said, "Yeah, son, I did"

But life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out
That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point trying to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

Fast forward fifteen years and a thousand miles away
Boy's built a life, he's got a wife and a baby due today
He hears a voice saying, "I made it son"
Says, "I told you dad, you didn't have to come"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, I know you did"

But life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out
That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point trying to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

Just like it took my breath when she was born
Just like it took my breath away when dad took his last that morn

Life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out
That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about
Just might miss the point if you don't slow down the pace
Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

-George Strait

hymn...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

* Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

-Horatio G. Spafford

my love...

Looking into your eyes
I'm able to feel past
the shattered pieces
of my heart.

Resting in your arms,
I can relinquish the
swirling thoughts that
pervade my spirit.

Walking with you by
my side I know that
each step takes me
toward a happiness unknown.

onward...

I catch myself staring off...at nothing. Thoughts and images flashing through my mind - past, present and future - I feel like I can't breath past the knot within my chest. I desperately search for pictures, to remember, to patch it up, to make it better but it only leads to my walls crumbling down. Surreality envelopes me, holding me in a silent embrace until I shake myself back to what I know, what I don't want to know, what I wish I could change.

I carry on, one step in front of the other, one day at a time, breath after breath, because I know that's what he would want. I know ultimately that's what I want. Somewhere deep inside me there is a lashing out churning. Anguished screams toil in the pit of my stomach and my fingers long to tightly wrap around something - anything - only to hurl it to the ground. A part of my heart is broken, there is a hole that will never be filled. It's a dull pain, throbbing with every pulse. Will it ever weaken? Will it ever stop? Will I ever not feel the way I do now?

I take solace in small mercies. Humble blessings pour forth from unimagined crevices of life and I am awed beyond all understanding. Speechless. It's a depth of gratitude that exceeds any explanation. It is enough... We will go on. Life - busy, selfish, ignorant, hungry, passionate life goes on. And so must I.

despair...

The emotions come and go like an ocean's tide... Steadily, up...and then down...and then up again. In the quiet comfort of my bed, I hear the grieving sobs of a mother, a wife, a best friend and helplessness overtakes me. We all subconsciously worry about one another, self-sacrificing our own... for the other. On my drive to work this morning, I marvel at the beauty emerging from a season of quiet death and find hope in knowing that like spring's blossoms, this season too shall pass. Just last year, I was happily reveling in the discovery of new love...and now this year I'm saying goodbye to an old love. Once a few days ago, I reflected on the closing of a chapter. Instead, it's more like the completion of one book in a series, and embarking into the hinted secrets of an unsuspecting future. Time crawls by with speeds of a parallel universe...ticking faster while the hands of the clock move slower. I want to wish it away, to turn back the days and hours with a simply whispered prayer...but then my heart gently tells me I can't. I must face this. I must pursue onward. I will never be alone and I know we will embrace again.

I love you, Dad and I miss you so much.

check

It's so exciting. Like a child counting down the days until Christmas, and seeing the number of gifts adding up, piling on top of each other in their shiny, ribbon-donned wrapping. Box after box on my check list is slowly but surely being checked off with a satisfactory swipe of the hand... And even more satisfying is knowing that those boxes are so much heavier than others; their importance weighs so much more in the overall scheme of things, so to see them marked off... What a relished sigh of accomplishment. To a certain extent, it still feels so surreal. Like I'm planning someone else's wedding. But then my thoughts travel to the beautiful white gown that lays safely dormant in a box...I can almost hear its fibers tickling in anticipation. My fingers desperately fiddle and clutch with a mind of their own, helplessly desiring to unveil it once again.

With every day, my patience grows a little stronger...

plans

So all of a sudden I finally have the freedom to take all my ideas and all my planning and put it to work. Flowers and centerpieces, lace and organza, candles and sparkling white lights have literally been circling around in my head like this recipe of matrimonial stew; as the light turns green and I can finally begin the race to organize it all into existence, I suddenly have no idea where to begin. Instead of spewing forth in an organized fashion, it's all cluttering the tunnel from thought to action.

I'm lingering on details that really have such little influence on the entire picture, and yet it's so hard to detach this focus. The overwhelming desire to avoid the ill-fated tag of Bridezilla is so heavy and it gains more weight every single day. But that concern mingles with the fear of not getting what I want because I don't speak my mind and suddenly I see myself surrounded by a cookie-cutter reception with tall, groomed topiaries and napkins the color of dying grass and the spine-tingling tune of 'It's Not Unusual' wafting over the speakers, a random great uncle twice removed snapping his fingers in the corner. I know this is entirely unrealistic and unlikely..but I'm sure it's the fear of every bride-to-be.

The important details are the big ones... Vows, love, trust, faith, hope... Food, flowers and music fade and die away. The reason, the symbolism, behind the day is the spotlight. Suddenly, I sit back, take a deep breath, remember how it feels to relax in the arms of my fiance, and it all makes sense once again.

aisle...

flowers cradled in her arms,
lace and crystal fall around her.
music resonates within the very
walls of her heart and
her breath catches at
the sight of her father -
a pillar of strength.
as tears threaten to overflow,
and she feels the whisper of
her veil across her face
she loops her arm through his
and takes the first step.

beat

You hold my heart in the
palm of your hand. On a
sunny, summer day, I
gave up guarding it and
wholly surrendered
it to the security of
your embrace.

Every beat echoes your
name, pumping enlightening
affection through every cell
of myself. Each soft kiss
introduces breath to my
thirsty soul.

Every wall is broken down.
All resolve is reshapen
to unconditional purpose
I now know. You give
me new life, and my
heart will always
remain yours.

paragon

the way you hold my hand,
our fingers securely intertwined.
the way our kisses meet,
sweet sparks from your lips to mine.
Nothing but perfection.

the way we cuddle in early mornings,
my head gently nestled on your chest.
the way your arms surround me
security belied in honest manifest.
Nothing but perfection.

the way you simply utter my name,
cherished warmth within your voice.
the way your love completes me
fulfilling delight that I am your choice.
Nothing but perfection.

the way I know beyond any doubt
no longer will I be without
joy that causes me to shout
the world over that you are mine
and nothing but perfection.

again...

The dreams keep coming. There's no question as to the reason; my anticipation, hope and excitement belies the obvious. Ready. Waiting. I catch myself imagining the day and a smile tugs at the corners of my lips, unbidden. Will there be tears? Will I be taken off guard? Where will it happen? But of course - the question lingering, teetering, at the very top - when?

The most recent dream was, thankfully, a bit more emotionally involved. We were somewhere near a beach. It was evening. We were walking past restaurants and storefronts, and suddenly I'd been pulled aside to an alley of shadows and quivering lights of the night. Dan stood in front of me, his hands holding my arms. He professed his love and quickly blurted with emotion heavy on his voice 'will you marry me?' As he was saying this, he removed a ring box from his pocket; opening it there was another box inside with the ring visible from within the box. When I opened it I found not the ring I'd picked out, but something different. I still loved it.

When I recounted this tale to my mother, she asked if I had thought what my reaction truly might be if I didn't receive the ring I'd picked out with her on our excursion. Thinking on that, I realized that my reaction would be the same no matter what- sheer and utter joy that the so long awaited had finally come to pass. It's not so much the jewelry that matters, but the meaning behind the symbol. As a friend so simply yet eloquently put it after her recent engagement: "He loves me." And that is all I need.

dreams

They've been frequent, although not to the point of being regular. Engagement dreams. My cousin said she had them all the time before her now-husband proposed... maybe it's a sign. It's funny how they've progressed though, in a surprisingly positive fashion. One would think that as the time supposedly loomed closer, they might get worse.

I was leaving my home, walking out to my car and there he stood. Just standing there next to my car with his arm outstretched, a velvet black box snuggled in the palm of his hand. My response, lacking any forethought, was "you call that a proposal?"

I can't recall the time or place. All I can remember is the ring - an absolutely horribly hideous piece of jewelry that may have been considered vogue in the early 20th century. It was four square stones arranged in a larger square, each bearing a pattern that contrasted the other. The stones were dark in color and nothing like what I wanted.

Most recently, we were at some function with a large group of people including various members of my family. Speeches or toasts were underway, and Dan stood up and stole the microphone from someone, then looked at one of my brothers and said, "would your sister marry me?" I was awestruck and immediately broke into tears as he slipped the ring on my finger. It was almost exactly what I wanted except the center stone was big, clunky and cloudy with a significant flaw in the middle of it. It held no sparkle; dull is the best way to describe it.

In a conscious effort to put aside my hopes and expectations so I can be surprised when the day comes, my subconscious is compensating... and it's a bit frustrating!

preview...

"...The scenes from outside the car window flashed by, haunting shadows careening through the dark night like faceless ghosts searching out their lost souls. She shivered despite the mugginess of the evening, hesitantly anticipating returning to her apartment. She tried so hard to maintain a strong façade, but the turmoil quivering inside her was becoming more and more difficult to mask.
He reached across the center console and took hold of her hand, his fingers intertwining with hers in a perfect fit. “Are you okay?”
She turned from the window to see his eyes on her, occasionally darting back to the road as he drove. Laying her other hand on top of his, she felt her guard falling. “Would you stay with me tonight?”
He squeezed her hand, his eyes on the road, and nodded..."

ANGRY...

It's time someone said this to you, broke down and just gave you the raw, black and white truth with no glamour, no glitz. People should be tired of walking around you as if on eggshells, treating you as though you might break at the smallest hint of criticism because you know what? You're bringing this on yourself. Grow up. People talk about you behind your back and you don't even know it because you're too damn self absorbed in creating and stewing in your own misery. You've concocted this disgusting black filth that you voluntarily douse yourself in just to get the attention and sympathy of others. Well guess what? People are starting to see through it. I've seen it for a while now, but in an effort to protect what I once thought was a truly broken soul, I ignored it. I'm done with that. I'm done standing up for you. I'm done telling people there's an underlying reason. You skulk around and treat other people like shit because you think you can, because they all let you because they feel sorry for you. That's fading faster than you can imagine. The people closest to you are seeing through the sheepskin you wear day in and day out, and instead are seeing the wolf underneath. When the people who should care about you most begin to resent even the idea of being around you...where do you turn?
I've never seen someone so selfish, so bent on making other people uncomfortable. It's like you thrive on seeing other people squirm. You're not satisfied until you've succeeded in pushing away the people you need the most. You can only cheat death so many times. If everyone else is so close to giving up on your, your guardian angel that literally saved your life can't be far behind. If I didn't know better, I'd think you caused all that...on purpose...despite the rumored stories. Just for the attention. Any normal person would have been distraught after such an experience. You? You were standing there taking pictures, and making silly faces. A brush with death, for anyone else, would result in a regenerated frame of mind, a re-established passion for life. You? You're disappointed that the alternative didn't happen.
Grow the fuck up.

falling...

In the sweetness of the still morning,
with the quiet calls of the rising birds,
and the aromatic taste of dew on the air,
the harmonious rhyme of your words
resonates in my ears.

As the summer scenery flashes by,
reminders of seasons past creep in,
laiden with the chill of autumn's kiss,
the trees slowly relinquishing their
emerald crowns for fiery blaze.

Simple utterances of newfound
love reflected in the ticking tock
of memory. The second hand rambles
on and yet I feel as though I'm
recalling yesterday.

playing doctor...

it's amazing the things we find ourselves capable of doing for the ones we love. The most awful of circumstances become nearly second nature when someone's well-being is on the line. although looking back, it could have been an exaggeration, i thought i saw my other half hanging on the fringes of danger, the tendrils of death looming far too close for comfort. in that indescribable moment, i set aside all emotion - anger, disgust, frustration - and transformed into life-saving mode. Every half hour, i repeated the same mantra: check breathing, check pulse, check airway, check position. amazed at my complete lack of exhaustion despite the early hours of the morning and a black void where normal sleep should have taken hold. a repeated conversation went on in my own head for hours: should i call the ambulance or not? is it alcohol poisoning or not? is this all just an overreaction or not? am i crazy or not? despite the multi-personality-dilemma weighing heavily on my mind, i resorted to waiting and checking...waiting and checking...and waiting. the sign that i knew it we were all in the clear? he had turned over. hours upon hours of laying in the same comatose slump, eyes rolled back in their sockets and shallow breaths just barely lifting the ribcage gave way to a fetal position. a welcome sign. movement, life. an evening's events i would happily never experience for the rest of my life...however proud and reassured that were the unlikely to ring true once again, the same mechanical involuntary reactions would sputter and jolt into action.

jubilee

One year ago, I took a chance
that this time might be different.
Steeling my heart, putting hope
on the line, I left behind all
expectation.

One year ago, I took a step
that sent my whole world
spinning. In the echoes of a
whispered prayer, I felt the odds
shifting.

One year ago, I lost my breath
at the wonderful vision of you.
Your smile, your eyes, your laugh.
I felt my fate unfolding

One year ago, my whole world
changed when you came
into my life. No longer looking
to the past, I only hope
for our ever after.

amazed...

Reflected in your eyes,
there shimmers a future I
had all but given up on.
One simple flicker of your
captivating smile renewed
my spirit.

A hopeless prayer answered
so unexpectedly now offers
joyful eternity beyond my dreams.

I wonder at our lives so
innocently separate until
such the fateful day on which
our paths collided.

Looking backward, I remain
amazed how deeply this
love has flourished.

Once a soul
crying for an answer in
the din of solidarity now
brims with a hope of
forever and always.

always...

In a cascade of exotic charm
and ethereal beauty, we
wandered.
Hands clasped together, we
embraced each day with spontaneous
enlightenment. Under the tropical
moon, wrapped in the warmth of
the island night,
I longed for nothing more
than to repose in your arms,
to touch my lips to yours, and
to feel the beat of your heart
within my chest.
Surrounded by a world draped
in eternal summer, glimmering
in sparkling hopes and dreams,
I relished, in a confident sigh,
that I am yours.

eleven

My soul brightens like the rising
sun at the thought of your face,
my heart unfolds as a spring blossom
at your touch.
I am vulnerable and innocent in
your warm embrace
yet strong and complete with
you by my side.
Your words send flutters and
shivers down my spine
like a cooling breeze on a hot
summer day.
A smile from your lips lifts
my lowest of spirits
and everything about you
brings life to
my dreams.

father

A pillar of strength and confidence,
greeting each new day with refreshed hope
and determination.

A spark of mischief glimmers in eyes
mirroring honesty and trust; a gaze
offering compassion and acceptance.

Hard, calloused hands bely a gentle
nurturing touch, and the incomparable
hearty laughter brings a grin to my
face.

Standing tall and certain,
unwavering in faith and values, you
are a cornerstone. Unwilling to allow
life's toils to falter one step,
you carry on.

In your footsteps,
I proudly strive
to follow.

jangle...

Frustrated... Balancing... Clawing to some vestige of sanity.
The moment I'm able to take a deep breath, pause, relax,
a new storm stirs and grumbles in the wake.
A constant, involuntary worry, returning to the surface
no matter my aspirations to stir it down.
It's always clinging to the fringes of my thoughts,
inhibiting childish carefree whims.

To spin and twirl in an open field, surrounded by
warm sunshine and dandelion seeds floating on
the breeze; to give in to spontaneity.

Haphazardly contemplating the origin
of such worries, fears, obsessions...lessons.
The very best are the hardest learned.
A soft voice in the very shadows of my heart
whispers melodies of doubt, of withdrawal, of
abandonment. Again I silence it in
desperation, determination, resolution.

step...

I'll forewarn that this is just a rant; it's been building for a while, and chances of the focus of this rant actually first reading it and second understanding all of what I'm about to unleash is more than likely unlikely. If the unlikelihood of the unlikely becoming likely in turns comes to pass, I stand firm on the following rant and refuse to apologize because it all needs to be heard...

Whoever coined the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" was certainly a giant among men. The line itself has withstood the test of time, taking form in various media including (only because it sticks out in my mind at this very moment)the Disney film of the mid 20th century - Bambi. The rambunctious rabbit, Thumper, turns his nose up in disdain at the clovers offered for dinner by his mother. At his wayward exclamation of distaste, his mother chided him with this fail-safe mantra.

So, all that said, the simplest and most forward thing I cant help but say is Grow up! Literally and figuratively nitpicking every person's intricate flaws, accidental or repetative, is only going to further the scrutiny with which those people view you. A mistake is a mistake and a flaw is a flaw. They happen every day, and somehow people all around the world continue to go on with their lives. However your trend seems to follow as such: the more other people's flaws are magnified, the smaller your own will become?

Due to the more recent unfolding obstacles that this chapter in life has thrown in the road, you've seen fit to make the world tip-toe around you as though on eggshells, like one misstep, one wrong word, one slip of the tongue will somehow send you reeling into uncontrollable depression, self-loathing and internal destruction. Having read that chapter, and effectively been the main character myself, I can honestly say it's time to move on. It's time to turn the page. It's time to wake up to the reality that the world isn't constantly monitoring every single move made... It will if you continue to silently ask it to. Your lack of self-worth and respect for anyone else included is only attracting more attention. If you were to repose into the comforting throws of normalcy, health and acceptance, the world wouldn't look so cruel.

It's time to stop fighting. It's time to stand up for yourself, own your insecurities, your imperfections, your past - it is who you are and no matter how desperately you try, that will not change. It won't go away, it can't be erased or smeared into a state of unrecongnizable oblivion. You are who you are because of your past. With that, you can choose to move forward or forever remain in a hanging balance of inevitable purgatory. If you cannot go back, the only direction to go is forward.

I've offered my help. I've offered my advice, my personal story, my own pain, anguish and ugly past in an effort to somehow ease your suffering. I'm realizing, however, much like trying to clear brush away from the ground, there is always dirt under the surface. Dirt can never be wiped clean. If you're comfortable in your own suffering - if that suffering has somehow become some sort of sadistic safety net that you cling to for comfort as the only thing you know - it will be that much harder to drop it and walk away.

Stop trying to remove the sliver from your neighbor's eye when there is a plank in your own.

prey...

Wishing on a teardrop diamond
away ye torturing sickness and death.
Crumpled in a fetal ball, whispering
desperate cries of hope.

Aching with a tremoring despair,
digging deep - clawing, fighting -
for any indication of existence.

Darkness cringes in the corners,
slinking and slithering, spewing
deceit in its wake.
Vestiges of light just barely
hold fast.

Mouthing a voiceless mantra
she wept.

island...

Teamwork. As 'motivational-poster' as it sounds, it's actually quite uplifting and invigorating to see first hand the profits of working as a team. It certainly can be challenging, especially for the likes of me. Having honed my skill of being possibly too independent for my own good, the concept of allowing someone else in on my dreams and visions can be quite daunting. But at the same time, the task is a bridge to something even bigger, and so to not give in is to inhibit personal growth. Because although my vision may be forced to evolve out of sheer struggle for survival, that evolution will couple imagination, compromise, character.

lifetime...

Dreaming. Eyes open. Fingers intertwined. A smile ever so gently plays at the corners of my lips at the thought... the thoughts... of you. In the deepest corners of my heart I know, without a doubt, that there will be stormy days. There will be clouds and rain, maybe even thunder and lightning; but the clearing skies, the breaking sunshine make it all worth it, make it all mean something more. The good can't be aptly appreciated without the bad.

But those days are far off... Lingering at the vestiges of the edge, barely in sight. Now there is only joy, curiosity, bliss, perfection...there is us.

For so long I wondered and wandered, caught this circling nightmare, the same questions and fears swirling round and round. Tossing and turning, tumbling and churning. In a hopeless and visionless moment, I followed the beat of my heart and somehow those footsteps led me... to you. In the quiet, contemplative, rejuvinations of nostalgia, you swept me off my feet. Unexpected, unprepared but unquestionably ready. Ready for a future. Ready for completion. Ready for a lifetime.

Ready with you.

cancer...

My world slowly crumbles in on itself
like a wave crashing in slow motion.
Emotions like the fragile walls of a sand castle
implode in a catastrophic collapse.
Hope slowly fades like a lost friend;
its face quivers in the shimmering shadows
of my memory, and the curtain slowly
closes in.

I don't turn my back just yet;
I can't let go of that whispering desperation
to just cling on a little longer.
A tender, nearly silent whimper...
Squinting to restrain the inevitable tears,
I quietly, imploringly beg for a miracle.

Please not again. Just prove it to me...
just this time.
I might just withstand the last shattering wave,
the final punch. I can't
blow out the candle yet.

nightgown...

my feet fall steadily on the sand
the rocks, the wood, the pavement
a steady, simple pace - plodding, plodding.
between my toes the tall grass
tickles, bowing and swaying in delight.
the clouds soar by; hurry, hurry
breezes measured watch their tarry.

the sun, it arches, sloping through,
lazy, sleepy, falling down.
i struggle on, my feet still moving
moving forward and onward on.
the night birds call in mournful
song, prismatic eyes follow
my steps as the lonesome
moon burns.

field

i close my eyes and revel...
the sweet earthy aroma of the wild grass assails me
birds sing merrily from the trees
a soft breeze lazily wafts by and i hear
the fast clapping of wings overhead
crickets chirp in harmony with the droning
buzz of a honeybee nearby
from far off down the hill i hear the
bell of the town hall tolling... ding...dong
even it sways with a relaxed sigh
the rays from the sun gently beat down
and warm my skin like a summer blanket
i so cleverly evade the temptation
of sleep as my hand so perfectly
nestles in yours

mother...

You gave me your smile
and you gave me your courage
You gave me your strength
and your passion for life.

You gave me your heart
and you gave me your light
You gave me your laughter
and your fight for a voice.

You gave me your love
and you gave me your song
You gave me your hands
and your drive for success.

You gave me my life,
and you showed me the world
You helped me to grow
and embrace who I am.

You taught me the Truth
and you showed me the way.
And I'm proud of the woman
I am because of you.

pinch...

My souls brightens like the rising sun at the thought of your smile,
my heart unfolds as a spring blossom at your touch.
I am vulnerable and innocent in your warm embrace,
yet strong and complete with you by my side.
Your words send flutters and shivers down my spine
like a cooling breeze on a hot summer day.
A smile from your lips lifts my lowest of spirits and
everything about you breathes life
to my dreams.

fairytale...

One look and through your kind eyes, I see the reflection of our lives. Within the honest gaze and under the chuckling sparkle, scenes both future and past. Swirling snow mingling with the nostalgia of summer blossoms. Dancing rays of sunshine gently illuminating our unfolding pages. In a perfect blink, you stand at the head of a petal-strewn aisle. Birds sing, bells toll, a gentle breeze whispers over the hush, and I take a step. Today, a dream. Someday hallowed reality. My hand in yours, and yours in mine. A rippling forever discovered in the softest sigh.

And for us there will be no happily ever after.... but happily forever.

fight

Love
it's not always easy, not always attractive, not always full of smiles and laughter.
Love
sometimes means raised voices and misunderstandings and tears,
long nights and puffy eyes and sympathizing chocolate chip cookies.
Love
it breaks our hearts as much as it makes us whole, and challenges our inmost character,
carries with it dark clouds and days of rain as much as beams of sunshine.
But love
takes us back to what we know, what we value, what we treasure; shows us what it is we cannot live without; teaches us how to be a better person if only to receive a smile from our other half.

You are my love.

turn

In a brief respite of reminiscing on an old friend’s engagement, I couldn’t help but be overcome with a dark cloud of nostalgia. What so often reflects a desire, a longing, for the emotional and physical existence of “home”, I was instead torn and missing certain aspects and faces of South Carolina. And the desire isn’t even to return in so many ways, as it is to just be in that long-lost state of mind with those people...if only for a day. To describe the feeling is almost impossible because certain notes of that chapter can never – and would never – be replayed. However, is it too much to ask for a southern summer day out by the pool with a group of good friends, a cooler full of cold beer, and some classic country music twanging in the background? Or to be overridden with a wave of scholastic pride at a college sporting event? Or even just to go out to a 24-hr diner at all hours of the night and simply contemplate the world over a hot cup of coffee and some cheese grits.

There is no contest that certain memories of college compete for the best times of my life – but only in the containment of that chapter. On a new page, in a new place of body and mind, I’ve found the true best party of my life. Dotted with beautiful intricacies and thought-provoking complimentary perfection. In this new chapter lies a new life with its own nostalgic memories to be made, cherished and wished for. In this chapter is true love, true happiness, true joy of no competition.

Memories of a time gone by are still held so dear, and the faces and voices of true friends remain priceless and irreplaceable… But I always will be yours.

feather

floating, tumbling, sailing
surrendering to the weightless purity
that hails in your arms.
wondering, pondering, praying
that this heavenly completion never
ceases to amaze.
a simple touch
the whisper of a kiss
the lingering serenity of your embrace
sighing, retreating, succumbing
reposing in this most glorious dream
never-ending with you

nine...

How is it that so much time passes in the fleeting, transcendent blink of an eye...? So many memories linger; so many dreams blossom. How can something so unexpected suddenly upon second glance become the breath I breathe, the life in my veins.

What initially sustained no invested emotion was beautifully transformed into an ominous telescopic glimmer into the future. In a time of retired expectations, abandoned confidence, and wavering faith, how quickly the brilliant beams of hope dispel the fog.

In that cascade of exquisite vulnerability, you took my hand, you kissed my lips, you held me close. And in that moment...that bliss... I became yours forever.

play ball

Yesterday, and for clarification, indeed the entire 12 hour period from 1pm-1am, I was presented - blessed, even - with the opportunity of a lifetime. Maybe even two lifetimes: experiencing not only the pandemonium that encompasses opening day at Fenway Park for the Red Sox, indefinitely the greatest baseball team in the history of the American Tradition, as well as the kickoff of the entire Major League Baseball 2010 season, but also the blood-chilling, fist-pumping, lung-bursting phenomena that is the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry.

If it weren't enough that the streets were quite literally a sea of swarming, cheering, gnashing fans, pulsing and cresting on waves of placid pavement, the gently flowing breeze bursting with the harmonious, illustrious scents that define baseball atmosphere, the tangible conglomeration of emotions resonating from excitement and giddy glee to pure, unadulterated hatred perforated every inch of the Boston Harbour.

In a priceless pause, you can't help but to breathe in deeply, inhale the insatiable ribbons and currents of baseball mania, savoring the sweet euphoria like a fine wine. Smells, cascading around you, somehow incapsulate each individual delectable indulgence, tempting and teasing the senses, tickling the salivating palate. Hot dogs, sausages, peanuts and fried dough, stale beer, hot pretzels, and clam chowder...The torture of choosing...

And then...the National Anthem. A stadium of 30,000+ somehow hushes to a low drone dripping with honor and respect as the sacred verses traverse the grand stands, linger over the green outfield, and twinkle in the spotlights. A deep sigh of pride can be felt wafting over the crowd, and for that moment, for that brief intoxicating calm, the American is all that matters. There are no Yankees, there are no Red Sox... only American Baseball fans.

Fireworks explode, the crowd erupts in an earthquake of hoots and whistles, the spell is broken.... and the game begins.

Play ball!

peep

In an exasperated effort to get home after a long day at a new job, with the tines of what promised to be a sparring headache pinching the inside of my eye sockets, I sped up the street. My foot pressed ever so heavily on the gas peal, the early evening radio host blaring through the speakers, and the window just partially down allowing the slightest breeze in to tickle the obstinate tendrils escaping my ponytail.

In a sudden, fleeting moment, the world, the noises, the whir of my car's engine and the jabbering radio all converged to a happenstance moment of unabashed silence. And as the wheels inaudibly carried me around the bend, the melancholy, ever-so-significant chorus of tree frogs erupted in the creeping din of dusk.

Suddenly, I was transported. Back in time, reversed in age, shrunken to the state of mind of a naive, impressionable six year old child at the unsung age of innocence. I was snuggled up in a giant, empty bed, foreign sheets bundled up all around me, the monotonous drone of a box fan in the window just barely audible. And in the unforeseen background, the symphony of peeping tree frogs and chirping crickets on the crescendo of a breeze. I could hear my grandfather's deep snore from down the hall, and the always-wagging tail of the faithful Golden Retriever now lay still in slumber just outside my door.

bliss...

July's whispers were new, unfamiliar, clutching a flicker of anticipation's spark. Friday's promise, an unfortold secret, hung in the sultry summer air, invisible currents drawing two unbidden hearts together.

The vestiges of a summer season succumbed to the vulnerable touch of Autumn's caress, as a vibrant explosion of new love carried with it the blossoming tendrils of hope and awe.

A celebration of masks, costumed in a haunted curtain revealed with it in the kindest romantic embrace a desire - a vow - of eternity.

Waltzing snowflakes and dancing sugar plums preluded sparkling dreams, warm traditions, and blue vision. A glimpse into years' future mirrors the reflections that endure to ripple through forever's gates.

When the flutters of infinite love first spread those July wings...

first

Spinning, twirling, cascading onward in the embrace of chance...
the axis of my world tilted the clandestine instant my eyes first locked on yours. A racing, pounding, unfamiliar giddy delight coursed through my veins at the utterances of our first 'goodbye'. The pensive, poignant, pondering smile that determined to spread and linger instilled evidence of a fortuitous promise - though lacking all gamble and weighing only of true supernatural faith - of inarguable, indubitable true love in a most elegant preliminary blossom.

Now in love's full bloom, vulnerable petals unveiled in a vibrant unfurling, I gaze back on that moment, that pause in the albeit incorrigable march of time, and I withold a certain intoxicating sigh, entirely and wholly aware of the forever that was lurking in the beautiful corners of that day.