clench...

Angry. Confused. Tossing, turning, churning. Desperately clinging to what I wish no longer was. To go back. To return. To be a child holding my father's hand. Unabandoned trust, effortless idolization, eternal pride. To feel safe, secure, unhindered by the pangs of life's toils. I want to tumble into that rabbit hole and find myself in a parallel universe where life actually makes sense and I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and remind myself of this painful, heart-wrenching reality. I want to skip ahead - push beyond all this initial heartache and fast forward to a state of numbness. The anger wells as a defense mechanism... Because I see my mother on the verge of breaking down and I'm forced to leave her to her own vices, licking her wounds and staring into this new, unknown world with blind vision. Oh for just a glimmer into the future...to know what this is all leading to...to understand...to find justification.