onward...

I catch myself staring off...at nothing. Thoughts and images flashing through my mind - past, present and future - I feel like I can't breath past the knot within my chest. I desperately search for pictures, to remember, to patch it up, to make it better but it only leads to my walls crumbling down. Surreality envelopes me, holding me in a silent embrace until I shake myself back to what I know, what I don't want to know, what I wish I could change.

I carry on, one step in front of the other, one day at a time, breath after breath, because I know that's what he would want. I know ultimately that's what I want. Somewhere deep inside me there is a lashing out churning. Anguished screams toil in the pit of my stomach and my fingers long to tightly wrap around something - anything - only to hurl it to the ground. A part of my heart is broken, there is a hole that will never be filled. It's a dull pain, throbbing with every pulse. Will it ever weaken? Will it ever stop? Will I ever not feel the way I do now?

I take solace in small mercies. Humble blessings pour forth from unimagined crevices of life and I am awed beyond all understanding. Speechless. It's a depth of gratitude that exceeds any explanation. It is enough... We will go on. Life - busy, selfish, ignorant, hungry, passionate life goes on. And so must I.