hole...

"You have to stop thinking of it like that."

Somehow it's like a broken record. That day...all things horrible about that day...play over and over and over. How the morning began with all the simple signs of normalcy and then...my world came crashing down. Of course since then I've reached out and taken those offered hands to help me back up. I've dusted myself off, greeted each new day with purpose, and yet those flashes of dark memories continue to wander in like curling thunder clouds. The storm can only be abated so long until I inevitable break.

I try so hard to think of the good things. The happy times. The joyful memories. But somehow they're shadowed by the anticipation of fatherless holidays, a fatherless wedding, a fatherless life. The dwelling knowledge that I will get through this - we all will get through this - churns within me. I fight jealousy daily. So jealous of what everyone else has, dreams they can still wish on. I see fathers and daughters and swallow the lump in my throat, the painful desperate wish for just one more day.

This too shall pass.