aulde ang syne....

It seems as though a huge wave has approached with all the fear, insanity and draw of a typical natural disaster and crashed, leaving behind only a singularly anticlimactic emotional cavern. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year - possibly because I'm surrounded by family, possibly because my birthday is in there and adds to the numbers of gifts to unwrap, possibly because I enjoy good food and pretty lights and cheery music and all the other details that contribute to make the Christmas holiday season festive. This year, there was just this void, this asylum of emptiness.

I've found myself having an extremely hard time with the transition. The uprooting from my established home and comfort in South Carolina to the abrupt transplantation back here in Massachusetts. My fingers and toes are freezing in the near-Arctic climate composed of inches upon inches of snow, temperatures dropping well below cold, and the days quickly coming to a curt ending as the sun sets in the late afternoon instead of evening like everywhere else. I try to remain positive - try to keep clicking my red-donned shoes together and thinking there's no place like home. All those months when I was curled up in bed and crying because I was homesick are coming back to me now, except now I'm sick for the reverse. I miss the friends that had become my family. I miss the style that had become my life. I miss going out and gettting into trouble and staying out until well past 2 a.m. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere. I miss having a niche.

But as I list all these things I miss, I chide myself for not being satisfied, content, grateful for all the things I do have. It's not that I'm not.... I just don't acclimate to change very well.... That cliche "you don't know what you had til it's gone", although overused to the point of being wrinkled and dingy and dilapidated, still rings entirely all too true.

humerus.....

The long search is over...or at least put back on the shelf. After a desperate, time-consuming search accompanied by pots of coffee and fistfuls of hair, I was awarded for my efforts. Finally a job. Not really in my field, but something that will pay the bills and - even better - be enjoyable.

Patient Services Coordinator at Marlborough Orthodontics

Is it silly of me to be excited that I get to wear scrubs every day? That I won't have to go scrambling for new additions of professional wear to my depleted wardrobe? That I get to be comfy all day long and not have to get up an extra fifteen minutes early just to iron, starch, and polish? I'm going to go with my gut feeling and say no.

Memories flitter back and forth of the many hours and days spent studying biology, anatomy, physiology, microbiology, and organic chemistry. Locked in my room, repeating the names of bones and muscles and nerves until they stuck...and then repeating them some more. Dental hygiene was once a passion, once a dream. I wonder if a remnant of that dream holds tight to a corner of my mind, just tightly enough to come back every now and again.

For now, I am happy and satisfied to have something that will keep me occupied and pay my bills. The fact that it will be fun and light is just a perk. We see what other perks follow......

pillow....

Feeling disconnected at best. Like I don't have a place, somewhere that I belong. I belong here, I tell myself, but the reminder of what I've left behind creeps in like darkness as the sun sets. I miss stability. I miss a schedule. I miss that constant busyness. For now, I have to settle to be taken care of. To be dependent on anything but myself because for now, just for now, I can't do it alone. Such a strange feeling to be so completely incapable, so inadequate, so helpless.

But I'm pressing on, pushing forward, adamantly taking the offensive. I will get past this. I will succeed. I will. I will.

I'm thankful for family. Thankful for those who, despite everything, will always be there with open arms and open doors. To be able to depend on something so stable and so sure is a blessing beyond understanding. It's at least a blanket from the cold.

transformation...

History has been made... America is changing... But with such a turn of the tide, such a sign of the current times, American persist to act and speak with hateful and biting words. It amazes me that in our world today, where we have elected the first African American to the presidency, a giant symbol of the progress our country has made, people refuse to emanate peace, love and acceptance.

America, this is our future. Like it or not. Pointing fingers at those who didn't win, picking at the scabs of old wounds will not help them heal. Move on. Look upward. Push forward.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

step...

19 days and counting... And the burden bodes heavier. Life heaves out more challenges, more questions. While a cancer eats away, prayers pervade every waking moment. Miracles - a myth? My heart pleads for not so. Miracles emerge every day - we have just forgotten to perceive them as such.

Comfort lingers in the near future. For now... day by day...

midnight musing...

"All my bags are packed. I'm ready to go. I'm standing here outside your door. I hate to wake you up to say goodbye. But I'm leaving on a jet plane - don't know when I'll be back again....Leaving on a jet plane - don't know when I'll be back again."

days...

The countdown begins. 22 days...and counting. I wonder if I'm ready. The change, the slap in the face, that lurks just around the corner, although expected, looms. I tell myself I'm ready, that this is good - necessary even. That I need to tear myself away from the safety blanket that has developed into its own independent concept, life, existence. To tear myself away means to tear a part of myself away - to turn away from something that has been me for years. Does it mean growing up, or growing older, or growing on, or just growing? It means diving, plunging, into an unknown blackhole that contains and offers opportunities beyond my imagination's abilities. At this point, though, there is no where but upward.

The words shimmer and quake in the back of my mind like a bad case of deja vus. Living one day to the next has it's perks until you are literally living one day to the next in every sense of the word... Wondering if what the day's work produces will pay the bills and the cashier at the grocery store, and wondering if there's room for a splurge at Starbucks for those luxurious treats. They must put some sort of addictive agent in recipes; I can't be so easily swayed! Anything is better than this.... Home - family, comfort, safety, security - is better than this.

Guilt, questions, doubts have mingled and tangled and twisted into some semblance of hope. Hope is there. Those Sunday school verses come back like a faint friendly shadowed memory. "The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want. He leads me beside green pastures.... Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me....He restores my soul."

Someday I will look at the stars again and wish and dream and hope... For now my heart aches for what I will leave behind, but surges for what awaits me so many miles away. A future awaits. A new life. A new existence. A new reputation. A new shadow. A new...self. Still so many questions.... So many dreams just bursting at the seams to ring true with a new melody. Success awaits, and struggle will be left behind to dwindle and shrivel and pass away.......

cuddle....

Happy. Content. Ready. Finally... Moving from denial to acceptance is a transition almost indescribable. It was like treading against a torrential current, fighting, struggling...losing. It wasn't giving in; it wasn't giving up. It was accepting my path. Accepting a new road. Willing to turn the page and engage in a new chapter.

The knowledge and understanding that it will be hard is still there... constant. But I'm prepared. What is the point of life if not to take risks? I can't be content to sit and dwell in the same place, stuck in the same rut, hoping for change, for progression, for success. I have to create my own. I have to pursue my own. I am ready.

Tears have come and gone and come. Sadness dawns its little head every now again, creeping its way into my realizations that this is the last time and that is the last time. But it scurries away as quickly as it comes, and I am able to remain happy in the moment.

you...

I finally let it all out.... The fears, the worries, the sadness, the hopes, the dreams, the heartache. Thank you. Will it all work out? Somehow... Inevitably. This has to happen - I have to take this step. We knew I would. We knew it would come.

I think about a world where no one knows me nearly as well. No one can even delve past the surface, if they're lucky enough to get that close. My quirks, my outlets, my smiles, my sighs, my fixes, my...self. I'm afraid to leave this and enter another world in which that comfort, that familiarity, that love doesn't exist. Part of me desperately wants to take it with me.

I think of my reasons... My excuses... My defenses and wonder if they're valid at all? If I just continue to get scared. Or if it all is a means to an end. "Why do we always find our way back to each other?" ... Why do we?

saturday...

Today turned into another disappointment on many levels... Mostly nostalgic disappointments. Attended what I know know was the last football game of my alma mater. It was one of those where I felt like i might get choked up for a second. The rush of standing in the stadium surrounded by thousands of other fans - communally supporting our team, our school, our pride, our legacy. It wafted and swirled like a palpable breeze.

And we lost. With a new coaching staff, there was tangible hope that the Tigers would make a complete turnaround, take the win, and lead Dabo into a victorious rest of the season. No such luck. With a valiant fight, although, the Tigers were unable to take hold and surmount above the GA Tech Jackets.... A shame. Hope remains, but most definitely somewhat defeated, dilapidated, dingy.

And everything else. But you know what? It's a lovely fall Saturday. The sun was shining for the majority of the day. The weather is beautiful. I have the whole day off from work, I'm spending time with good friends...and I'm perfectly happy.

indecisive...

It beckons... I feel like I'm finally moving toward a decision. A thought-out, reflective, intelligent, forward-looking decision. Maybe. The pros outweigh the cons from both directions, leaving me at a constant position of imbalance...insecurity...unrest. I can no longer fear my future - I have to embrace it. I have to accept the fact that I'm moving on. Moving back... Moving forward........Moving.

Goodbyes will begin unwelcomed. Tears will continue. I'll hide them as I have been. Just keep turning the pages. It's a new chapter. This isn't the end....

flicker...

"Cuz life is like a slideshow
of all the places I go,
all the things that I know
through all the highs and lows..

Life is like a slideshow
of all the things that I've seen
and all the things that I've dreamed
You can't take away from me."

break...

Somehow I remain within this figment of my own imagination that I'm independent... Independent of what? I depend on everything. Is there any such thing as true independence? Everyone is attached, chained, clinging to something. I'm smothering in whatever it is that I consider to be independence.

games...?

Despite everything else... today was a good day. I spent time with good friends. Laughed. Smiled. Relaxed. Driving home - I'll admit a little tipsy - I realized how much I'm going to miss it. I realized I'm really leaving. I realized I don't want to. Give me a reason not to....

I'm tired of jumping. I'm tired of everyone subconsciously telling me how high. Maybe I don't really do enough. Maybe it's my own imagination what I'm doing... Maybe no one sees. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm fighting against the ever increasing current, the ever closing window. The odds are against me; the bets aren't in my favor.

I have fallen. I've fallen too quickly. I'm waiting to jolt awake; to gasp out of this imaginary slumber. Waiting...while trying so hard, fighting so strongly, to remain asleep. Have I created my own dream? Am I waiting for a figment of my own imagination... I wish you'd show me. Reveal to me differently. Doubt - such an enemy. So many faces; so many voices...all the same. It rises in my chest and builds pressure until I think I'm suffocating. The questions overwhelm until I'm so tired of asking that I just give up. But I never actually ask... just dwell.

For once I feel safe. Protected. But that security - that fortress...fleeting. Or so it seems. Show me differently.

boys will be boys....

Sitting in a room surrounded by boys is only as fun as it sounds... And when I say boys, I really mean men... But I say boys. Many can use their imaginations. I'm forced to resort to reality. It's like being thrown back in time to my childhood. Farting. Burping. Crude jokes of every genre.... Oh what did I get myself into. An immediate flashback comes to mind...

"We're just going to be sitting around playing video games....." So much stands behind that sentence. So much.

Thank goodness I brought along my own entertainment - a lovely, aged bottle of Polka Dot Reisling... Not really aged....and not really lovely. But a girl can pretend.

glow...

So tired. Of waiting. Of looking. Of hoping. For what? Signs? Omens? Some sort of ecclesiastical epiphany? I set a goal for myself... As it creeps ever quickly nearer, the claustrophobia increases. I'm not convinced that I'm ready... Ready for the change. Ready for the severances. Ready for the inevitable heartbreak.

Still I wait... For a call. A letter. A word. Yes. What is it that I'm doing that is so wrong? Panic has come and passed. Now I am left with discouragement. Exhaustion. Utter belittlement. I don't know what else I can do other than sacrifice my own dignity and integrity. You would think a top 30 university would secure a place in the real world, the professional arena, the den of wolves. You would think...

I refuse to give up. Giving in isn't an option. Never have I been a quitter... Now is not the time to start. I will succeed. I will succeed. Thus is my mantra. I am better than that. I've worked too hard to be less than that. Why doesn't anyone else see?

Give me peace. Give me understanding. Give me patience. Give me clarity of mind. Give me hope, courage, determination .... faith.

untitled

Longing. Missing.
My heart swells with thoughts...
Waves of red.
Desire to dive beneath.
Discover. Unearth.
Clumsy, quizzical, captured...
Kiss the sand.

"The world uncertain comes and goes..."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

heads...

Hurt... What goes around comes around? But nothing went around. Just me. I go around and around in circles. A dog chases its tail, but can never catch it. A child reaches for the stars but can never touch them. A girl wishes and dreams of love....but....

You criticize me, call me a hypocrite. Irresponsible. Mercurial. Evasive. With what right? With what validity? You look at me through wounded eyes and see what you want to see. You make excuses for yourself, for your pain, for your insecurities. You dare to point fingers where they don't belong. I have been nothing but honest. The truth hurts? Trite...but true.

Would you prefer I lie to you? Feign affection at the expense of dignity, sanity, integrity? Is that what you'd prefer? Because I don't understand. I don't know what you want me to do. I don't know what you want me to say. There are only so many times that I can say the same thing...

At the end of the day, I can only look out for me. If I don't, who can I look out for? I can't protect you at the sacrifice of my self.

"Take a glorious bite out of the whole world..."

-Snow Patrol

roots...

Basically the way I feel... Tangled. Confused. Knotted. More time..... I need more time. I need answers. I need the right questions. The roots of a tree go down deeper than the stretch of the branches. My roots? Some days I feel like I want to return to them. Some days I want to continue running. From? Everything.

Guess I'll continue looking for answers...

mulling...

Seasons are changing... Fall is finally here. Leaves are starting to change. I woke up with chills at the temperature of the autumn morning. The desire to cuddle up in a fuzzy bathrobe, sit out on a wooden porch, with a cup of steaming hot coffee, enjoying the scurries, scampers and scuttles of the wildlife outdoors tugged at my heart.

I think back to mornings working at the farm, and all those familiar scents come back to me - the apples, fresh from the orchard, filling giant wooden bins, pumpkins overflowing the loading deck as the boys feverishly picked them in time for Halloween, the changing leaves - the crisp, sharpness of fall in their colorful, graceful demise, the Indian corn waiting to be shucked on the counter tops....and of course the pies Kathy so religiously baked every morning. I miss sitting with the other ladies in the back of the farmstand, shucking Indian corn, dusting off pumpkins, and sipping on hot cider. Oh to be a New England girl again...

But I'm a southern girl. I've been transformed. My heart will always remain in New England...with my family and my home. But most of me is here....

bubblewrap...

Previously Posted Sept. 23rd...

I'm starting to grasp the fact that the end is near. The end to this chapter. Goodbye's will have to be said. To so many that mean so much. I try not to think about it, but the more I try not to, the more I do.

I know this is something I have to do. I have to take that leap; make that choice. I can't live in hopeful limbo the rest of my life. Never have I settled - I can't settle on my career. I can't settle on what could be the turning point, the deciding point, the crossroads of my future.

The future.... It's so daunting. So looming. So...uncertain. I want control. I want to know.
My head is ready; my heart is heavy. I hardly know where the rest of me is.

Now I just don't know. I wish I did. So confused... So stressed out... So torn. I'm still waiting. For a call. For word. For acceptance. For rejection. For anything! I think I'm seeing signs, but maybe I'm not acknowledging them. Maybe I'm not as willing as I thought I was. Maybe I just need to figure out where my heart is.

My heart... What a chasm. What an infinite chasm of passion and fear and question. After so long, it's still such a stranger. Enigmatic, mercurial, transient....

fists...

My heart is torn. Pulled by what I do and do not know. I know safety. I know comfort. Love? I thought I knew love. If I can hurt so much, how can I truly love? I try to convince myself that I'm ready to settle down...to settle. I want to explore still. I want to know adventure. I want to know nervousness again. I want to know butterflies. I want to catch them; try to hold them in my hand....contain their flutters, their graceful intricacies.

I want to follow where they lead. I'm not satisfied to simply let them go and watch them fly away. I don't want that regret. But if I hold on to them, will they survive? Will they last? Or will they perish like all the others? All of a sudden, I see myself changing my paths...those paths I thought I had all figured out. Leaping before I look? Possible.

You don't understand. You may never. You feel the victim...for obvious reasons. You're tired. You're dubious. You're angry. You forgive and love more than maybe I ever could. Maybe that's why I can't go on. Because you're better than me. You've always been better than me. So many are better than me. I've said it before - give up. Give up on me.

I can't deny my heart. And I don't know what my heart says... I want to listen. But in order to listen...I have to look at what I'm listening for. It doesn't make sense, I know. When have I ever made sense? For once, I'm trying to do this right. No cheating. No lies. You wanted honesty.... I'm being honest.

wedges and pearls...

I'm beginning to realize how much of a snob I am when it comes to certain things. For that reason, I'm thankful I don't have an unlimited amount of funds, because I'd be buying all sorts of fashion, and eating all sorts of exotic, amazing food...and God knows what else.

I have a new addiction.... it's called "The Rachel Zoe Project". Anyone who enjoys fashion, and who enjoys reality, and who has access to Bravo must watch. Just once. Just sit down for one hour, and watch the insanity and celebrity finesse that is Rachel Zoe...and you'll be hooked. That's all it took for me. Hooked.

Hence how I'm turning into a snob... but a good one. Because there is such a thing. Right?

peaces....

So I'm having to start over - my other blog is being shut down due to the economic crisis. I'm pretty upset about it because for three months, my life is in literary form and thought on that blog.

My blog isn't the only thing I'm starting over on, though. So many other things... So many new chapters. I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know how to feel about anything anymore. I was so sure I had everything figured out... So sure that I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going.

"I had everything figured out until I met you..." Who wouldn't be influenced by those words? Butterflies. We're skipping the caterpillars. The caterpillars grew wings and flew away before I could even realize what was happening. Fears and doubt are there. They linger. They always will...