games...?

Despite everything else... today was a good day. I spent time with good friends. Laughed. Smiled. Relaxed. Driving home - I'll admit a little tipsy - I realized how much I'm going to miss it. I realized I'm really leaving. I realized I don't want to. Give me a reason not to....

I'm tired of jumping. I'm tired of everyone subconsciously telling me how high. Maybe I don't really do enough. Maybe it's my own imagination what I'm doing... Maybe no one sees. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm fighting against the ever increasing current, the ever closing window. The odds are against me; the bets aren't in my favor.

I have fallen. I've fallen too quickly. I'm waiting to jolt awake; to gasp out of this imaginary slumber. Waiting...while trying so hard, fighting so strongly, to remain asleep. Have I created my own dream? Am I waiting for a figment of my own imagination... I wish you'd show me. Reveal to me differently. Doubt - such an enemy. So many faces; so many voices...all the same. It rises in my chest and builds pressure until I think I'm suffocating. The questions overwhelm until I'm so tired of asking that I just give up. But I never actually ask... just dwell.

For once I feel safe. Protected. But that security - that fortress...fleeting. Or so it seems. Show me differently.