bubblewrap...

Previously Posted Sept. 23rd...

I'm starting to grasp the fact that the end is near. The end to this chapter. Goodbye's will have to be said. To so many that mean so much. I try not to think about it, but the more I try not to, the more I do.

I know this is something I have to do. I have to take that leap; make that choice. I can't live in hopeful limbo the rest of my life. Never have I settled - I can't settle on my career. I can't settle on what could be the turning point, the deciding point, the crossroads of my future.

The future.... It's so daunting. So looming. So...uncertain. I want control. I want to know.
My head is ready; my heart is heavy. I hardly know where the rest of me is.

Now I just don't know. I wish I did. So confused... So stressed out... So torn. I'm still waiting. For a call. For word. For acceptance. For rejection. For anything! I think I'm seeing signs, but maybe I'm not acknowledging them. Maybe I'm not as willing as I thought I was. Maybe I just need to figure out where my heart is.

My heart... What a chasm. What an infinite chasm of passion and fear and question. After so long, it's still such a stranger. Enigmatic, mercurial, transient....