fists...

My heart is torn. Pulled by what I do and do not know. I know safety. I know comfort. Love? I thought I knew love. If I can hurt so much, how can I truly love? I try to convince myself that I'm ready to settle down...to settle. I want to explore still. I want to know adventure. I want to know nervousness again. I want to know butterflies. I want to catch them; try to hold them in my hand....contain their flutters, their graceful intricacies.

I want to follow where they lead. I'm not satisfied to simply let them go and watch them fly away. I don't want that regret. But if I hold on to them, will they survive? Will they last? Or will they perish like all the others? All of a sudden, I see myself changing my paths...those paths I thought I had all figured out. Leaping before I look? Possible.

You don't understand. You may never. You feel the victim...for obvious reasons. You're tired. You're dubious. You're angry. You forgive and love more than maybe I ever could. Maybe that's why I can't go on. Because you're better than me. You've always been better than me. So many are better than me. I've said it before - give up. Give up on me.

I can't deny my heart. And I don't know what my heart says... I want to listen. But in order to listen...I have to look at what I'm listening for. It doesn't make sense, I know. When have I ever made sense? For once, I'm trying to do this right. No cheating. No lies. You wanted honesty.... I'm being honest.