dream....

Greenville, how I miss you.

gravity...

There's a part of my heart missing... I've left it behind. I was foolish to think that I would be able to function without it. How I couldn't see then what I'm feeling now, I have no idea. The physical heart wouldn't be able to function without the right ventricle, or the aortic valve... This is the same.

I miss you. I miss how you make me laugh, even when I'm sad or when I'm determined to be angry. You have that indelible way of finding that one thing that will tug at the corners of my lips. A tickle, a joke, a kiss. I miss how you know everything about me; you know when I'm frustrated and trying so hard to hide it. You know when I'm keeping a secret, but you don't tell me, so it's not ruined. You're happy when I'm happy, and you celebrate my accomplishments...even the little ones. You take the bad times and find a way to turn them around, you dig out the positive and set it on top. You know how to push my buttons and you break into a smile when you succeed. You teach me new things; you're always trying to help me learn. About the world, about life, about love. You always have faith in me, even when I don't have faith in myself. You think I'm beautiful.

I have such high expectations of you; they may not be fair. You've always been the bigger person, the better person, the forgiving person. You've never given up on me. I think back on my college career and I see you... From the first meeting at the foot of the steps at the bar....to kissing you goodbye that last morning.

Have I found what was looking for? What I left in search of? What I was so convinced was waiting for me? I don't know.... I found lessons. I found experiences. I found friends... I found you. Now I can't imagine my life without you; I wonder if you still feel the same.

A year ago, I set a proposal before you, jeweled with sapphires and diamonds. I can't help but wonder what life would be like now had you answered differently. "Yes" instead of "not now". I was so nervous; so many questions, so many uncertainties... Except for one. You.

bones...

I've noticed a pretty drastic change in my personality... I remember as a child, and even as a young adult, my ability - or weakness depending on the perspective - to wholly and completely trust someone; whether I knew them or not, I would easily fall into believing every word and action.

But now, suddenly, I find myself jaded, suspicious, scared. I find myself doubting, questioning, pulling away. I hate it... But I keep pulling. I continually assume everyone else has something their hiding, keeping in dark corners, concealing behind closed doors, and it's not until I let down my defenses and allow myself to begin to merge toward something resembling trust that those skeletons are not just released, but thrown at me with a certain vengeance... It's all in my head, I like to think.

My trust in the world is slowly fading...

sift...

It's funny and strange at the same time. I was rifling through today's mail and suddenly it occurred to me...

I had this instantaneous flashback to a random evening during a random week of a random year when I was young, carefree, curious, naive. My father was standing in front of the trash can in the kitchen, sorting through the huge stack of mail, haphazardly tossing envelope after envelope into the garbage with an authoritative "junk...junk...junk" after each one disappeared.
"Dad, why are you throwing all those away?" I remember asking, being at that impressionable age when I thought hopefully every day that something would come in the mail for me.
"Oh, just bills, punkin'. You'll understand when you're older..."

And suddenly, I was in that same position. Bill...bill...bill. Phone bill, credit card bill, student loan bill... You know you're an adult when you no longer enjoy getting the mail.



I spent the day today - my day off - running around taking care of some things that needed being done. Since I've moved back home, there has been an endless orchestra of shuffling papers, and making phone calls, and changing personal information, and this and that. I went to speak with an auto insurance agent today. I called my student loan company today. I bought a day-planner today. A day-planner... I debated between paying with either my debit or my credit card today at CVS because I wasn't sure how long I'd be able to stretch out my cash supply before my next pay check, and I really wanted a cup of coffee in the morning on the way to work. I realized today that I now so much more appreciate the weekend, and now I realize what everyone means when they say the weekend is too short and they have a case of the Mondays.

How did this happen? How did I suddenly turn into an adult? How is it that it feels like just yesterday I was sitting in the Cooper Library studying for finals or midterms or writing an impossible paper...and now I'm thinking ahead to my next paycheck and realizing most of it is already spent?

riddle...

Setting the scene: I spent an hour on the phone in my childhood bedroom, now temporarily also my current bedroom, at my parents' house with my best friend, southern to the core, who is currently in Pittsburg with her boyfriend while he gets his PhD. She and I both have completed college.

Now tell me this; tell me why we were both in tears stressing about how we were going to make ends meet. Tell me why we are both fighting tooth and nail to not even get ahead in life, but just to get by. Tell me why we both struggled, and sweat, and studied into the wee hours of the morning because we spent the better part of our day working in order to pay the rent, through college in order to earn a reputable degree only to find ourselves in jobs totally and completely unrelated to our field of study. Tell me why we found ourselves sacrificing, making hard choices, just in order to eat. Tell me why it's such a standard, such a stereotype for college students to be poor. Tell me why I'm making payments on loans I'll have until I'm 40 years old.

They say America is the land of opportunity... but for who? Where is America really giving the opportunity away? I know why I have loans up to eyeballs. Because I'm a white, lower-middle class American woman. I'm single. I have no children. I do not receive assistance from my parents - I am independent. BUT because I'm a white, lower-middle class American woman, the Federal standards measure me to be better off. Than who? Instead of finding grants, instead of receiving the assistance where and when I needed it, I was forced to sign away my future to the hands of Sallie Mae. Why am I being punished for being an average American who simply couldn't afford to go to college on my own?

Tell me this: tell me why I'm not the only one experiencing this. Tell me why my best friend and I are in interchangeable positions. Tell me why we're counting our pennies every day, spending our paychecks before they even arrive on bills, meanwhile the government is throwing money at illegal aliens, and drug addicts, and alcoholics, and people who don't have the sense to use birth control. Tell me why people who are content to just sit back and have someone else do all the work get the benefit?

What has happened to America? This is no longer the land of opportunity. This is no longer "fight for what the American Dream". Ask someone on the street what the American dream is. America now means laziness, obesity, sloth. America now means help those who refuse to help themselves.

Riddle me this: Why are the people who want to work, who want to succeed, who want to make a name for themselves, watching the world get pissed away?

fine....

Thinking... pondering... Dwelling to long on things I'm not even sure of. Focusing too long on dreams, or nightmares really, and allowing them to transform into a semblance of reality despite my attempts to fight back.

My thoughts are so good at manipulating my better judgement; twisting and contorting it into something so believable that I can't help but give in. And now...I just continue to mull over the same thoughts, the same hunches, the same fears, and pray that none of them are true, that none of them will come true.... that they will all remain dead.

I wonder what I'm doing. I get so frustrated with myself for being so gullable. How can one convince themselves of something that isn't even true. Such a loaded question. I do it all the time.

clench...

Facing mountains and valleys. Highs and lows. Wondering if the lows are because my highs aren't as high as I remember. For now, it's just repetition. Cycles. Predictability. Mediocrity. I am happy. I have every reason to be happy. I'm healthy, I have a job, I can pay my bills, I have food to eat, I have a family who loves me. I am happy.

It all comes down to what it always has....

I feel like I'm pushing myself lower by dwelling on what is no longer. Like I'm just magnifying the negative by continually focusing on it. I hear so many things so many times over and over about faith, and God, and trust, and patience.... Some of it sets in, takes root, feels effective. Then the rest? I get angry. So tired of hearing the cliches that so often never come to fruition.

So I wait...