run...

Do you ever have those days where you want to do absolutely nothing? Why do you think that is? Perhaps it's the positively ideal weather that's heralding outside while we're stuck in the employment dungeon. Or maybe it's just the overwhelming to escape from the mundane everyday. It's probably horrible that I'm saying all this just two weeks after spending a seven-day vacation in the azure blue waters of Cancun, basking in the addicting rays of the equatorial sunshine. This is just one of those days where I've got no motivation to do absolutely anything beside run out the door, get in my car and drive. To where and to do what are totally unnecessary details.

honesty...

I feel like I might be an exception to the norm when I can say that I still not only talk to girls I've known since elementary school, but I actually have a meaningful relationship with them. This past Tuesday night, I was able to meet up with these 2 girls who I have so many shared memories with when one of them was up visiting her family from Florida. My other friend is very dear to me and was actually one of my bridesmaids in our wedding last year and we try to get together at least once a month. While the three of us don't all get together very often (distance being the most obvious obstacle), when we do it never amazes me how quickly we can just jump right back into conversation like we'd never missed a beat. From talking about our lives now, to reminiscing about all our years through elementary and high school and everything in between, it's so easy to remember why these women are such a special part of my life.

The passage of time is so noticeable, though, as our conversations inevitably evolve from the happy silly memories of childhood to life's milestones - good and bad - that unavoidably approach as we get older. Meeting that special someone, getting married, having children, changing jobs, buying homes, losing family members, witnessing the effects of age on our parents - they are all those events in life that help to shape us into the individuals we are.

One thing struck me, however, as this dinner date with friends approached and I had the courage to bring it up as we were getting ready to leave. It takes a true, loving friend to not only stand by you during your rougher times in life, but to be honest and up front when you least want to hear it. At a point in my life when I was in college and living on my own and indulging in the less-attractive aspects of college life including extended drinking binges and the stupid decisions that come with them, my friend had enough concern to pretty much tell me in no uncertain terms that I was being a "jerk" and that I needed to rethink what I was doing. Of course at the time, it wasn't something I could see for myself and didn't take to heart but five or six years later, I realize that I was being pretty foolish. And her words had stuck with me all this time and I was able to realize now that she was right. I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to thank her for that and I surprised even myself when I could feel myself getting emotional as the words came out of my mouth. That kind of friendship and honesty doesn't come around very often and I feel so honored to have friends that care that much. It really is a blessing, and I hope we can continue to nurture our friendship as the years go on.

glee...

Mornings are sweeter
with you by my side.
I anticipate returning to you
on my evening ride.
Your kiss makes me
happy from head to toe
and I love being with you
wherever we go.
Our story amazes me when
I stop and think
about the odds we surmounted
when our eyes first linked.
What our future holds
we cannot know,
but a life spent with you
makes my heart glow.
You are perfect to me
in every way
and I thank God you are mine
each and every day.

patience...

it's safe to say I have the itch... the baby itch, I mean. I thought it might take a little longer to kick me in the gut, but low and behold I'm seeing babies everywhere and I can't take my eyes off of them and can barely resist wanting to reach out and snuggle every single one. I've got baby on the brain like I never knew was possible and all of a sudden I know what everyone else means when they say "you'll know when you're ready." I find myself jealous of others who are expecting; wishing that that expectant joy could be my own. It's exciting and frightening and nerve-racking and blissful all at the same time. I can hardly begin to describe the emotions that run through me just at the thought of one day welcoming a new life into the world that I helped to bring into being... It's amazing to me to think that, even though there are no signs as of yet, my body has everything necessary to create new life. The human body is a truly magnificent creation.

Yesterday, Father's Day, we spent some truly memorable moments with our extended family at my grandparents' house, and it was such a delight to see my nephew (just over 1 yr old) and my cousin's 2 little ones (4 yrs and almost 2 yrs) all playing together in the front yard. To see my nephew watching his older cousins, giggling and frolicking in his unsteady 1-yr-old way, sometimes his own feet getting ahead of him and inevitably tumbling to the ground in a loss of balance, was just pure joy. They really have not a care in the world and were just excited to be right there in that place and time enjoying the fresh air, the company of one another and the luxury of their endless imagination. I could watch that interaction for hours, mesmerized by the mystery of what their little minds hold - what they're thinking at every moment.

I have always been a planner.... I do my research, I find what I like, I learn answers to my questions and I store it all up until it becomes necessary. Already, I'm foraging for information about pregnancy, symptoms, proper diet, nutrition and exercise, nursery decor, etc. I'm not even pregnant yet, but the fact that I'm concerned about how to change my antique, marble-topped dresser (that I refuse to get of and so must find  a way to re-purpose) into a changing station might be a sign that it's on my mind. :) All my research may in fact be working against me because I feel like I'm imagining all the symptoms I've read about. Thankfully I have a realistic husband and a patient mother who are both tolerating my silliness at this point...

But it is indeed so very exciting. I can already tell I'll have a very hard time keeping my little secret a secret when I do finally have a secret until the 'suggested' time that it's safe to spread the news. For now, I just have to wait for that secret.....patiently.

donor...

It's amazing to hear the medical feats that are happening every day when it comes to people's lives being changed by transplants. I think it's even more poignant when you know that someone could be walking around today due to the donated organs of a loved one. Just reading an article on CNN's U.S. page about a boy returning home after a successful heart transplant makes me think about whether my father's organs were able to change someone else's life. It's strange on the one hand to think about someone walking around with my father's eyes, his skin, his bones; a morbid reminder that his death was necessary for someone else's life. But it's amazing at the same time...to think that even in death, he is affecting people in such a momentous way.

I can't help but feel emotional with Father's Day approaching this coming weekend. Every once in a while, completely at random, I'll flash back to that day...that moment when my life so drastically and unexpectedly changed. More often than not, I'm still moved to tears or at least the threat of tears and I wonder when that will end if ever. Unbeknownst to anyone but my husband, I visited my father's grave site a month or so ago and simply found myself kneeling in the grass beside his grave crying, talking, praying. There are days when I miss him so very much, overwhelmed by anger and confusion and questioning why it had to happen. Then there are days when I feel like I'm forgetting him; his face, his voice, his laugh. Those days scare me because I never want to forget...

And then there are days like today, where after reading such a moving article, I wonder if I'll ever know the extent to which my father changed any number of lives.

savor...

Cooking is my outlet. It always has been I love knowing that at the end of a long day at work (especially long being my first day back after a week's vacation in Mexico), I can come home and just plant myself in the kitchen and take a handful of otherwise mundane ingredients by themselves and put them together to create something delicious and satisfying.

Anyone else who's done the vapid stare into the fridge the day after returning from vacation knows the thoughts that were churning through my mind yesterday morning as I wondered what I could possibly concoct for dinner. The half-empty shelves shared little inspiration, so I resolved to take out the last pre-portioned pair of frozen chicken breasts from the freezer to thaw and figure something out as the day went on.

A quick stop at the local grocery on my way home with a meager $20 from my quickly dwindling checking account afforded me an idea and a goal, so home I went. I had recalled a recipe I'd come up with on my own way back in high school when I was house-sitting frequently, most especially for my grandparents who were avid travelers before the economic crisis hit. Knowing I already had most of the ingredients at home and that the necessary ones weren't too expensive, that was my plan. When I really want to just lose myself in the kitchen, I turn on my Pandora Radio and embrace the relaxing, folk-ish tunes of bands suggested to me by my earthy cousin, Kaylan (fellow blogger, photographer and now new mother) like Iron and Wine and the Avett Brothers mixed in with my own personal favorites like Norah Jones, John Mayer and James Taylor.

From there, my hands just go to work and I can only imagine the contented smile I must have on my face the whole time. Once you understand the rules of cooking (or perhaps the lack of rules) and learn what flavors go well together, the possibilities are endless. The harmony of seared chicken and boiling sauce, clinking pans and the slap of spatulas and wooden spoons mingle to produce a symphony of the senses - sight, smell, sound and taste. I know that balsamic vinegar with a touch of pineapple juice, crushed pineapple, garlic and a tablespoon or so of molasses reduced makes a delicious sauce that poured over pan-seared oven-roasted chicken and wild rice becomes an explosion of flavor. With nothing else to work with, a bag of frozen yellow and white sweet corn had to suffice as a side, but with such a delectable entree in the spotlight, it didn't matter.

Perhaps the most satisfying part of the whole experience, though, is knowing that my husband will be both impressed and happy to come home to such a delicious meal. For me, cooking isn't a chore. It's a way to both express myself and express my love without saying one single word. And of course being able to eat my creations in the end is a pretty substantial perk...

hope...

Vacation definitely has a way of just making you forget everything and think of anything all at the same time. I just returned Sunday from a fabulous break from reality on the beautiful azure coast of Cancun. With hours spent by the pool, drinking up every ray of sunshine and luxuriating in the peaceful, playful crash of waves and melodic songs of exotic birds, it was certainly time well spent in so many ways. I set a record for myself by reading more books in one week than I'd ever done before. I enjoyed enlightening conversations with my in-laws and romantic honeymoon-reminiscent dinners and evenings with my wonderful husband.

One seemingly epitomizing event out of the whole vacation, however, stems from my own self-reflective, spiritual experience. We pampered ourselves with an afternoon spa indulgence at the resort next door and I found myself relaxing on a level never experienced before in the quiet, heat of the sauna with the gentle zen tones emanating from the gently illuminated walls and the minty lemongrass incense permeating every pore. As I laid there, wrapped in my towel, my mind was suddenly flooded with the thoughts of everyone I know and what I want for them. How I want happiness and content for my mother, possibly someone new to come into her life and share her experiences as a grandparent as she gets older. How I wished my brother's wedding to unfold exactly how they are planning it and that they enjoy a lifetime of bliss and that my mother truly enjoy her first tropical, international experience and that she get to embrace all that she's wanted to do for her whole life. How I hope my other brother and his wife have more children and that their son Henry will continue to grow into the strong, brilliant young man I can see him becoming, so perfectly fitting into the shoes of his grandfather for whom he's named. How I hope my own body would be ready and capable to bring forth the children my husband and I so desperately want. How I wish my grandparents would live long enough to see many more great-grandchildren enter the world and see their most valued traditions and beliefs passed on to yet another generation. And overall, how I hope my father, sitting in the glowing richness of heaven, could look down on all of us and know, despite how our hearts long for him, his voice, his laughter, his wisdom, his ceaseless knowledge of the most random facts, his strength and courage, that we are all okay and that we will never forget him. I found myself praying all of these things, overwhelmed by the sense of calm I felt washing over me. It was like a vacation from my constant worries and questions.

Vacation is such a perfect time to not just unplug from the world, but more importantly plug into the things you so often take for granted. I'm sure as I dive back into my work, the drudgery of everyday menial tasks like laundry, cleaning, pumping gas, grocery shopping, I'll forget about this peaceful, spiritual moment now and then. But I hope that I won't allow myself to wait for another day in a sauna to let myself relax like that again because who knows when that will come around.