loving this life...

It's never easy being in a situation where you're waiting for life to make the next move. It could mean remaining in the same position you're in now for a while or seeing something new - good or bad - come along unexpectedly. It's safe to say that I'm a control freak. I'm organized to a fault and I like to know what is going to happen when. If I want to hang out with my friends, I plan it weeks in advance just so I can mark it on my calendar. I'm not one of those people that usually just does things on a whim - unless it involves an impulse purchase from Home Goods which I am frequently guilty of.

I feel like currently I have far too many things hanging on the balance of life, but then I have to stop myself and say 'who doesn't?' There are plenty of questions that I simply have to accept as being unanswerable until the answer is literally right in front of me. Sometimes, that's just how life is. It's not easy... It's not always fun... It's definitely not fair. But when I start thinking down that path, my father's words that we always used to hear as kids always come back to me: "I didn't ask if it was fair." It's that unfortunate truth we all have to accept. If life was fair, my father would still be alive, I wouldn't have to work for a living, and the garden would weed itself.

Life is what we make it. We can only work with what we have. If we continually covet what we don't have, we'll never be happy. That's why I love finding satisfaction in the small things... Because spotting a red-winged blackbird in the field down the street, savoring a package of M&M's on a cloudy afternoon, holding the hand of the one you love - those are things that will never cease to amaze when you make a point to really embrace them.

wait....

Do you ever find yourself waiting for that one important email containing all-encompassing, life-changing news and you can't help checking your email every other minute, only to either find nothing or maybe worse to find some stupid, mundane piece of spam in its place? And with each passing minute, every time you look and don't find what you're looking for, the anger, confusion and overall depression just continues to build.

I hate the desperation I feel churning in my stomach. I hate being so anxious and having my future at the subject of someone else's whimsy. I just want an answer so I can stop wondering, waiting and looking.... even though I know that not having the answer I want means I just have to start the process all over again.

$363 Million...

So this week there is a jackpot of $363 million in the Powerball lottery... Our office has a pool every week, but because of this ridiculous pot, there was a special extra pool at a $5 buy-in. Normally, I'm not a frivolous spender, but I figured for the investment on a gabillion percent return, I'd take the risk.

Now the question I'm seeing all over the Internet, and inwardly asking myself, is what I would do with that money should I actually win (instead of getting struck by lightening 7 times or whatever the odds are). As I said before, though, I'm not a very frivolous spender and I would like to think I'd be somewhat smart about spending my millions.

First, I'd donate a portion to charity. I know there's no way I could spend $363 million in my lifetime and it's worth it to give back. I'd actually probably give a lot away to family, most specifically my mother who deserves a pretty amazing break, and to anyone else who's helped us out in the recent year(s) since my father passed away.

My husband and I would sell the house we currently live in and buy one that will be big enough for our future family, go on vacation for a year around the Caribbean, Europe and Australia. Of course I'd quit my job, buy a convertible and hire a personal trainer so I can stay in the best shape of my life for the rest of my life. I'd probably buy a second home in South Carolina and get lifetime tickets to Clemson football.

And although it might sound funny, I'd have surgery on my feet by the best foot doctor in the world so I can wear whatever kind of shoes I damn well please. That's my list for now... I'm sure I could come with other things given more time. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the money to show up in my bank account. C'mon big money!

newton...

The whole process is exhausting... My anxiety is reaching levels I haven't experienced in a long time, mostly just because my desperation is that high. In less than 24 hours, I'll be subjecting myself to the torture of being under a microscope, offering up my hard work and experience for either complete slaughter or acceptance. The anticipation is more than I can take. My stomach is already churning, my fingers have begun their nervous twitch and my mind is racing a million miles a minute. What if this? What if that? What if this then that? What if nothing?

My resolve to stand up for myself and my capabilities has led me to this and I can only hope that such brazen determination will have a positive outcome. I'm not looking for a happily ever after into the sunset... I'm just looking for a happier at sunrise.

I am strong, confident, capable, and I deserve this.

spring...

It's amazing how invigorating the slightest touch of warm sunshine can be. This week, we're experiencing a sudden taste of summer in the middle of March with nearly record-breaking temperatures in the 80's and you can tell it's affecting just about everyone. People are smiling, driving with their windows down, walking with a spring in their step - literally and figuratively. Last night I was able to go on my fourth outdoor run of the spring season, and the fresh air is like a drug... the more I get out in it, the more I crave it. It's only 9 o'clock in the morning and I already can't wait to get home and lace up my running shoes and get back on the pavement.

Waking up in the morning to find the kitchen flooded with crisp, refreshing sunlight and that intoxicating scent of morning air wafting through the open window mingled with the lively chirping of Spring birds just offers a renewed sense of purpose and appreciation for new life. Just the sight of a cheerful yellow daffodil opening its petals to the morning sunshine put me in a better mood on my way to work. I find myself scouring the sides of the roads as I drive from here to there, looking for budding branches and hints of green in the rambling underbrush.

Although I'm well aware that these summer temperatures won't linger and that this unusual weather will indeed return to normal in a matter of days, it's all a welcome reminder that Spring is inevitable; vibrant color will soon reclaim its hold on the drab dullness the winter left behind; new life will return.

Despite being the center of attention already for the entire day, brides have been finding new ways to draw even more attention to themselves on their big day. One of these arising trends is wearing bold, colorful and sassy shoes below those flowing layers of lace, silk and crinoline. I like to think I was a pioneer of this trend at my own wedding (mainly because I chose to ignore all the other girls that were posting pictures of their own colored shoes). With a decided color scheme of black, white and red for my wedding, I had my heart set on finding the perfect pair of red satin peep-toe pumps. I’m a sucker for a little embellishment, so finding a pair with some sort of flower or bow in addition was absolutely necessary.

However, being a budget bride definitely put me in a bit of a predicament as I refused to pay more than $50 for my wedding shoes (to accompany my $500 La Sposa wedding gown). As if that wasn’t a big enough challenge, I was also restricting myself to a heel no higher than 3 inches as I’m on the tall side of 5’10”, my future husband is 6’3” and I refused to be taller than him in our wedding photos. After months of watching the clearance sections on all the reliable shoe stores’ websites from Macy’s and DSW to Nordstrom (who was I kidding trying to find shoes for under $200 at Nordstrom?), I finally found the shoe my heart desired: a Capparos apple-red satin peep-toe pump with a satin rose above the toe and a 2 ¾ inch heel… and for less than $50! I took a gamble on ordering a size larger than what I normally wear a.) because my size wasn’t in stock and I wasn’t about to let these shoes slip away and b.) because I had a feeling I’d need to add some extra cushioning to endure wearing them for a full day of wedded stress…er…bliss.

By some supernatural intervention, when they finally appeared on my doorstep, I opened them and tried them on to find they were a perfect fit with just enough room to spare for some Dr. Scholl’s magic. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take a picture with my phone that very second and send it to my matron of honor in New York for her reaction. For the next few months, they sat safely in their box in my bedroom. But as the wedding date approached, I knew it was important to break them in so you can bet there was more than one occasion where I was caught wearing them around my mother’s house while performing mundane tasks - even vacuuming. And for anyone that doesn’t know, it’s pretty tricky to run a vacuum in heels.

Now although I like to think of myself as being a pretty traditional bride in that I kept my dress, my veil, etc a secret from my future husband, I ended up revealing my shoes to him since we were taking dance lessons for our big day and I wanted to get some practice in them in an attempt to avoid face-planting on the dance floor in front of our 100+ guests. Like your typical guy, his reaction to my colorful shoes was less than enthusiastic but he knew they made me happy, so he smiled and said they looked nice (he already knew the key to a successful relationship was to just smile and nod).

I think my most memorable moment even before the big reveal of my red shoes on the wedding day was my maternal grandmother’s reaction when she heard that I was indeed wearing red shoes. “Why?” she’d exclaimed in amusement. I guess she hadn’t heard of the rising trend… bless her heart.

Finally the big day had arrived and once all the hair and makeup was done and I was secured into my dress, my mother helped me slip into my red shoes I’d dreamed of wearing for months on end. Although my only thoughts as I took those steps down the aisle arm in arm with my grandfather were whispered prayers that I didn’t trip, faint or throw up while keeping my eyes on my future husband at the front of the church, I am confident there were plenty of guests in the crowd that took a peek at my fabulous shoes.