dinner...

So I'm really not trying to ruminate on doom and gloom and focus in on the obviously absent part of my life....but I realized midway through the day today that tonight, when Dan and I join my mom and his parents for dinner tonight at a prospective rehearsal dinner location, it's going to be one of the first events in regards to wedding planning where my dad will be noticeably not there. I've been blinking back tears and swallowing down a persistent lump in my throat all day.... Maybe I'm making too big a deal of it, and I've already vowed to put it out of mind as soon as we get to the restaurant, but it's just one of those things that I think will always be in the back of my mind.

On my drive home from work last night, it sort of occurred to me that I hadn't really thought about my dad in a little while...and for a moment, I was overwhelmed with a pang of guilt. Did that make me a bad person? Or did it just mean that I was moving on? Was it too soon to begin moving on? Who really knows.

The internet has really been a valuable resource as far as being able to connect to other brides that are enduring this same bittersweet experience... planning the most momentous day of their lives all the while knowing one of the most traditional details won't be there. I've heard lots of different stories about other girls who've lost their father, whether recently or in the past, and the pain is still the same. So many different ideas of how to remember and symbolize that person. My own ideas that I thought were good at the time have slowly evolved into more subtle additions to our big day. I still plan to recognize, remember and honor my father, but in a way that will hopefully bring the least amount of pain... because I know he'd want that. He wouldn't want me to be sad on the best day of my life.

This morning I was walking the dog through the woods, conscious of the fact that I could actually go around the whole circling path without seeing snow...and it was like my dad was there with me. This was the same walk he always took every morning up until that very last day.

In the last 5 1/2 months, we've all gotten a lot stronger. I admitted to my fiance today that I don't worry about my mom as much as I had at first...the concern is still most assuredly there, but I feel like I can finally be confident in knowing she's going to be ok. We all continue to have those hard days where we cry for no particular reason, but we're all going to be ok. I do think about her getting a job, when she'll start looking, what she'll find... I wish I could protect her. The roles are so ironically reversed.

So tonight, I'll put a smile on, enjoy the experience for what it is - a time to enjoy each other's company while also looking forward to the special event that still seems so far away. I will continue to be strong.