Tuesday, March 22, 2011
cry...
Another day of tears at the office. I stumbled across the wedding photo album of a friend on Facebook and of course since I have wedding on the brain constantly to the point it's almost nauseating, I had to page through. Before I knew it, I was staring at the sensitive moment when the father of the bride is removing her veil and planting a gentle kiss on her cheek before handing her off to her waiting future husband... Uncontrollable tears welled up in my eyes not only at the tenderness captured in the photo, but more so at the obvious sadness that I would not have that same tender moment. Yes, my grandfather is walking me down the aisle and yes, I expect he'll offer a peck on the cheek before handing me off to my own waiting Prince Charming, and yes I believe that my father will there for it all in spirit....but none of that is quite the same as a girl having her own father give her away. It is a moment I covet with a deepening pain so striking I can't even describe it. I felt the same stark emptiness when I was shopping with my mother for her mother-of-the-bride dress.... She will also be missing that detail of having her husband with her at her only daughter's wedding. I know my entire family will endure the day with a certain sadness despite the joy I know I'll feel above everything else.... It is something I think of often and with great difficulty.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
dinner...
So I'm really not trying to ruminate on doom and gloom and focus in on the obviously absent part of my life....but I realized midway through the day today that tonight, when Dan and I join my mom and his parents for dinner tonight at a prospective rehearsal dinner location, it's going to be one of the first events in regards to wedding planning where my dad will be noticeably not there. I've been blinking back tears and swallowing down a persistent lump in my throat all day.... Maybe I'm making too big a deal of it, and I've already vowed to put it out of mind as soon as we get to the restaurant, but it's just one of those things that I think will always be in the back of my mind.
On my drive home from work last night, it sort of occurred to me that I hadn't really thought about my dad in a little while...and for a moment, I was overwhelmed with a pang of guilt. Did that make me a bad person? Or did it just mean that I was moving on? Was it too soon to begin moving on? Who really knows.
The internet has really been a valuable resource as far as being able to connect to other brides that are enduring this same bittersweet experience... planning the most momentous day of their lives all the while knowing one of the most traditional details won't be there. I've heard lots of different stories about other girls who've lost their father, whether recently or in the past, and the pain is still the same. So many different ideas of how to remember and symbolize that person. My own ideas that I thought were good at the time have slowly evolved into more subtle additions to our big day. I still plan to recognize, remember and honor my father, but in a way that will hopefully bring the least amount of pain... because I know he'd want that. He wouldn't want me to be sad on the best day of my life.
This morning I was walking the dog through the woods, conscious of the fact that I could actually go around the whole circling path without seeing snow...and it was like my dad was there with me. This was the same walk he always took every morning up until that very last day.
In the last 5 1/2 months, we've all gotten a lot stronger. I admitted to my fiance today that I don't worry about my mom as much as I had at first...the concern is still most assuredly there, but I feel like I can finally be confident in knowing she's going to be ok. We all continue to have those hard days where we cry for no particular reason, but we're all going to be ok. I do think about her getting a job, when she'll start looking, what she'll find... I wish I could protect her. The roles are so ironically reversed.
So tonight, I'll put a smile on, enjoy the experience for what it is - a time to enjoy each other's company while also looking forward to the special event that still seems so far away. I will continue to be strong.
On my drive home from work last night, it sort of occurred to me that I hadn't really thought about my dad in a little while...and for a moment, I was overwhelmed with a pang of guilt. Did that make me a bad person? Or did it just mean that I was moving on? Was it too soon to begin moving on? Who really knows.
The internet has really been a valuable resource as far as being able to connect to other brides that are enduring this same bittersweet experience... planning the most momentous day of their lives all the while knowing one of the most traditional details won't be there. I've heard lots of different stories about other girls who've lost their father, whether recently or in the past, and the pain is still the same. So many different ideas of how to remember and symbolize that person. My own ideas that I thought were good at the time have slowly evolved into more subtle additions to our big day. I still plan to recognize, remember and honor my father, but in a way that will hopefully bring the least amount of pain... because I know he'd want that. He wouldn't want me to be sad on the best day of my life.
This morning I was walking the dog through the woods, conscious of the fact that I could actually go around the whole circling path without seeing snow...and it was like my dad was there with me. This was the same walk he always took every morning up until that very last day.
In the last 5 1/2 months, we've all gotten a lot stronger. I admitted to my fiance today that I don't worry about my mom as much as I had at first...the concern is still most assuredly there, but I feel like I can finally be confident in knowing she's going to be ok. We all continue to have those hard days where we cry for no particular reason, but we're all going to be ok. I do think about her getting a job, when she'll start looking, what she'll find... I wish I could protect her. The roles are so ironically reversed.
So tonight, I'll put a smile on, enjoy the experience for what it is - a time to enjoy each other's company while also looking forward to the special event that still seems so far away. I will continue to be strong.
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