breath...

"The Breath You Take"

He looks up from second base, dad's up in the stands
He saw the hit, the run, the slide, there ain't no bigger fan
In the parking lot after the game
He said, "Dad, I thought you had a plane to catch?"
He smiled and said, "Yeah, son, I did"

But life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out
That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point trying to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

Fast forward fifteen years and a thousand miles away
Boy's built a life, he's got a wife and a baby due today
He hears a voice saying, "I made it son"
Says, "I told you dad, you didn't have to come"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, I know you did"

But life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out
That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point trying to win the race
Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

Just like it took my breath when she was born
Just like it took my breath away when dad took his last that morn

Life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out
That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about
Just might miss the point if you don't slow down the pace
Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away

-George Strait

hymn...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

* Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

-Horatio G. Spafford

my love...

Looking into your eyes
I'm able to feel past
the shattered pieces
of my heart.

Resting in your arms,
I can relinquish the
swirling thoughts that
pervade my spirit.

Walking with you by
my side I know that
each step takes me
toward a happiness unknown.

onward...

I catch myself staring off...at nothing. Thoughts and images flashing through my mind - past, present and future - I feel like I can't breath past the knot within my chest. I desperately search for pictures, to remember, to patch it up, to make it better but it only leads to my walls crumbling down. Surreality envelopes me, holding me in a silent embrace until I shake myself back to what I know, what I don't want to know, what I wish I could change.

I carry on, one step in front of the other, one day at a time, breath after breath, because I know that's what he would want. I know ultimately that's what I want. Somewhere deep inside me there is a lashing out churning. Anguished screams toil in the pit of my stomach and my fingers long to tightly wrap around something - anything - only to hurl it to the ground. A part of my heart is broken, there is a hole that will never be filled. It's a dull pain, throbbing with every pulse. Will it ever weaken? Will it ever stop? Will I ever not feel the way I do now?

I take solace in small mercies. Humble blessings pour forth from unimagined crevices of life and I am awed beyond all understanding. Speechless. It's a depth of gratitude that exceeds any explanation. It is enough... We will go on. Life - busy, selfish, ignorant, hungry, passionate life goes on. And so must I.

despair...

The emotions come and go like an ocean's tide... Steadily, up...and then down...and then up again. In the quiet comfort of my bed, I hear the grieving sobs of a mother, a wife, a best friend and helplessness overtakes me. We all subconsciously worry about one another, self-sacrificing our own... for the other. On my drive to work this morning, I marvel at the beauty emerging from a season of quiet death and find hope in knowing that like spring's blossoms, this season too shall pass. Just last year, I was happily reveling in the discovery of new love...and now this year I'm saying goodbye to an old love. Once a few days ago, I reflected on the closing of a chapter. Instead, it's more like the completion of one book in a series, and embarking into the hinted secrets of an unsuspecting future. Time crawls by with speeds of a parallel universe...ticking faster while the hands of the clock move slower. I want to wish it away, to turn back the days and hours with a simply whispered prayer...but then my heart gently tells me I can't. I must face this. I must pursue onward. I will never be alone and I know we will embrace again.

I love you, Dad and I miss you so much.

check

It's so exciting. Like a child counting down the days until Christmas, and seeing the number of gifts adding up, piling on top of each other in their shiny, ribbon-donned wrapping. Box after box on my check list is slowly but surely being checked off with a satisfactory swipe of the hand... And even more satisfying is knowing that those boxes are so much heavier than others; their importance weighs so much more in the overall scheme of things, so to see them marked off... What a relished sigh of accomplishment. To a certain extent, it still feels so surreal. Like I'm planning someone else's wedding. But then my thoughts travel to the beautiful white gown that lays safely dormant in a box...I can almost hear its fibers tickling in anticipation. My fingers desperately fiddle and clutch with a mind of their own, helplessly desiring to unveil it once again.

With every day, my patience grows a little stronger...