Wake

I've come to realize the hardest part of the early days of parenthood is not necessarily the sleep deprivation but the clouded thinking that comes with it. When 3am rolls around and those little cries crescendo over the baby monitor for the third time in an hour and all you want is for them to simply stop and sleep to come... that is when emotions run their highest and thoughts become entirely incoherent.

Parenthood is a synonym for self sacrifice. It didn't take becoming a parent to understand this though; I saw my mother often making her own sacrifices for us like going years without buying new clothes for herself or pampering herself with a manicure or just a quiet afternoon to herself so that we could have what we needed. I understand now the challenge she faced when taking us three kids to the grocery store; I tried with just one recently and it ended with a screaming baby and a rush through checkout.

But of all the sacrifices parents make, I would have to think the lack of sleep is one of the hardest because it messes with your head. You want to sleep so badly that you're literally willing to do anything. You try so hard not to get angry because that beautiful little angel in the next room can't help that they can't tell you what's wrong. Since I'm on maternity leave and my husband is working,  I try to do night feedings myself but sometimes I just want those extra few minutes in bed, so I'll quietly beg him from my pillow to get the baby. This request is either met with a quick flip of the covers and glorious peace or a succession of grumbles and yawns as the tension builds.

Earlier this week when sleeping in the crib was nowhere near my son's radar,  I succumbed to the need for sleep and snuggled up with him on our couch where we both slept (I, rather fitfully) for a couple more hours until daybreak.

Thankfully we seem to have returned to more normal sleep schedule although I say this fully expecting it to change in a matter of days or weeks. But in those late hours when I'm looking down at those beautiful eyes staring back at me, I simply thank God for this precious and perfect gift.....sleep or not.