Change...

Today it dawned on me.... In one week I'll be preparing myself to return to work and, even more difficult, preparing to send my 3 month old son to day care. It was a pretty painful and tear-filled epiphany to say the least. My little man woke up from a nap and I was sitting there reading my book when his beautiful eyes fluttered open. It was at this moment that suddenly I realized that pretty soon, he'd be waking up and finding someone else watching him.... And for a short time, that someone will be a stranger.

My husband and I spent a lot of time researching, visiting, and debating local daycare facilities before our son was even born and we both agreed on the same one, knowing it gave us both the strongest sense of comfort. Now that our son is here and I've spent the last three months snuggling, holding, rocking, singing, and bonding with this amazing little being, it's hard to imagine any place other than my arms and my home being the best place for him.

Unfortunately there is no way around the fact that we need daycare so that I can return to work. The unfortunate reality of today's economy is that most families can't survive on one income, and we feel that burden all too well. Between household bills, daily expenses and the overwhelming cost of a higher education hanging over our head (no thanks to Uncle Sam for any kind of break on that), there is just no other option than for me to return to work.

I will admit that there is a part of me that is anticipating my return to work; the thought of a more stable routine, interaction with some of my very-much missed coworkers and even removing myself from the all-to-distracting snacks that are severely inhibiting my post-baby weight loss efforts have a strong appeal. But at the same time, the thought of someone else seeing my son more than me every day, seeing him coo and smile and laugh and being the first to witness those milestones that every parent so eagerly waits for is almost overwhelming.

It's so true that the love for a child is different than any other kind of love out there. I just look at my son or even just think about him...hell, just writing about him now...makes my heart ache and brings tears to my eyes. I know that he will be in very good, capable, caring hands... But I can't help wishing  those hands were mine.

Wake

I've come to realize the hardest part of the early days of parenthood is not necessarily the sleep deprivation but the clouded thinking that comes with it. When 3am rolls around and those little cries crescendo over the baby monitor for the third time in an hour and all you want is for them to simply stop and sleep to come... that is when emotions run their highest and thoughts become entirely incoherent.

Parenthood is a synonym for self sacrifice. It didn't take becoming a parent to understand this though; I saw my mother often making her own sacrifices for us like going years without buying new clothes for herself or pampering herself with a manicure or just a quiet afternoon to herself so that we could have what we needed. I understand now the challenge she faced when taking us three kids to the grocery store; I tried with just one recently and it ended with a screaming baby and a rush through checkout.

But of all the sacrifices parents make, I would have to think the lack of sleep is one of the hardest because it messes with your head. You want to sleep so badly that you're literally willing to do anything. You try so hard not to get angry because that beautiful little angel in the next room can't help that they can't tell you what's wrong. Since I'm on maternity leave and my husband is working,  I try to do night feedings myself but sometimes I just want those extra few minutes in bed, so I'll quietly beg him from my pillow to get the baby. This request is either met with a quick flip of the covers and glorious peace or a succession of grumbles and yawns as the tension builds.

Earlier this week when sleeping in the crib was nowhere near my son's radar,  I succumbed to the need for sleep and snuggled up with him on our couch where we both slept (I, rather fitfully) for a couple more hours until daybreak.

Thankfully we seem to have returned to more normal sleep schedule although I say this fully expecting it to change in a matter of days or weeks. But in those late hours when I'm looking down at those beautiful eyes staring back at me, I simply thank God for this precious and perfect gift.....sleep or not.

Little one

Humbled. Joyful. Awestruck.
Amazed by the intricate beauty
That follows each and every tiny inch.
Overwhelmed with the magnitude
Of each and every tiny breath.
Cherishing the sweetness
Of each and every tiny sound.

Suddenly anxious of the dangers
Lurking around every corner
And the illnesses hanging
In the stillness of the air.

Nurturing. Sustaining. Guiding.
Waiting for the opportunities
That come with each new day.
Celebrating the joys that occur
With each and every moment.
Praying for a lifetime of
Simple happiness and peace.