focus...

After a weekend of unexplained emotional ups and downs, I'm taking a good friend's advice to put my thoughts into words in hopes that this will help calm my churning mind. The fact that I had to have a friend remind me to give this a try instead of thinking about it on my own shows just how distracted and overwhelmed I've been lately.

To defend myself, I'll start by reminding anyone who knows me that I'm now 39 weeks pregnant, so interpret that as I am a crazy woman with a rollercoaster of hormones raging through my veins. I no longer recognize my body even though everyone I know keeps telling me I'm carrying all in front. I've put on pudge where it wasn't before and I ache where I didn't before. My independence (which I so strongly relish) is severely constricted because of my physical inability to do certain things because they're either too much or I'm too exhausted or a little bit of both. I've never been one to easily admit that I can't do something or ask for help, so this last stage of my pregnancy has been a real test of my patience and humility.

Now consider the fact that today is December 22nd. We are 3 days away from Christmas. This season always has been my favorite time of year. I love the colors, I love the music, I love the emotion, I love the spirituality, I love the togetherness of family and friends...I love it all. My husband and I have had to play this year's Christmas festivities by ear pretty much since my due date is 2 days after Christmas, so one thing that seemed to make the most sense for us was to have our families come to us to limit the amount of traveling we had to do in my 'oversized' state. In theory, this sounded like a great idea and in reality it was a great idea as we just celebrated with my husband's family today and it was a heart-warming day of chatting, catching up, giving, receiving, eating and just enjoying each other's company. I was thinking earlier this evening how thankful I am that I married into such a loving and accepting family with whom I feel so comfortable and at home with.

All that said, however, I love to entertain. I love to have the perfect table scape, the most intricate and color-coordinatedd gift-wrapping, the most delicious treats, the cleanest home, etc. Trying to accomplish all of this while 9 months pregnant with my independent "I'll do it all myself" mentality did not bode well. Many evenings were spent lying on my back on the living room floor after hours of cleaning, baking, going up and down the basement stairs for wrapping paper and different ribbon because the ribbon I thought would work was too short or not quite the right fit for that paper. I would stubbornly dismiss my husband's warning that I was trying to do too much only to realize after I couldn't get up off the floor that maybe I was taking this all a little too far. The whole point of having our families up to our house was so that I could relax.... not so that I could make my own table runner at 9 o'clock on a Thursday night after spending 15 minutes trying to remember how to thread the bobbin on my sewing machine.

And amidst of all this were those raging hormones I mentioned earlier that have made me an emotional time bomb. We waited so long for this little miracle to happen and all of a sudden, 9 months have passed in the blink of an eye and we're literally finding the birth of our first child right around the corner. It's exciting, overwhelming and completely terrifying all at the same time. Within hours or days, we will have a new life that we will be responsible for - a life that we created together and that we will strive to raise to have the same values and ideals that we cherish now. We will face those life decisions that every parent makes on a daily basis and wonder if we're doing any of it right. But in the end, we will have our own little baby boy to snuggle and cuddle and swoon over.

And behind all of that, I can't help but be a little sad that my own father is not here to see his second grandchild come into the world; that I can't see that smile on his face and that twinkle in his eye. But I know he is watching - and has been - and will be.

So yesterday, after a morning of trying to finish preparing for our first Christmas family gathering, I sat on the couch with my husband, my back aching and my swollen belly cramping and my mind racing and suddenly I just burst into tears. It was all too much and I barely knew where to start to try to explain the tears streaming down my face. Thankfully, he's one of the most patient and rational people I know and he was able to help me put things into perspective, remember that I'm not superwoman and that no one expects me to be and that everything was going to be okay. That this baby was the most important thing right now and making one last batch of sugar cookies or perfectly wrapping that last Christmas gift could hardly compare to this exciting, momentous event that we are about to experience.

My thoughts suddenly go back to the message my cousin gave at our wedding ceremony, quoting a sign at a local state park that said "this was the most stupendous place on earth." When we faced each other and vowed to love each other for the rest of our lives, that was the most stupendous place on earth at that moment; we are about to experience a new most stupendous place on earth when we first lay eyes on our baby boy - our gift from God - and that is the most important thing for me to focus on.