father

Thoughts of my father come in waves.... He is never far from my mind but sometimes he infiltrates my thoughts more than others. Tonight is one of those nights where I can't help but ruminate on him, on the presence he had and still has in my life, on the lessons he taught me, the frustrations he left behind for our family but mostly how much I miss him.

The body's sense of smell is one of the greatest links to memories, and this is so true to my father. Since as long as I can remember, my father smoked cigarettes and it was one of our biggest fears that we would see my father die a long and labored death from lung cancer or emphysema. Regardless, though, smoking was part of what made my father who he was and I can remember kissing him goodnight and smelling the remnants of smoke on his skin and somehow it was comforting... It was him; it was who he was and I didn't judge him for it. I miss that smell. I miss the feel of the bristle on his cheeks and the gruffness in his voice when he would say 'g'night, punkin'. I looked up to him in so many ways...and I miss him in many more.

The musty scent of oil mingled with sawdust makes me think of watching my father in his element in the confines of his shed, working on his own projects or something related to his work and just being in awe of this man who was so skilled, so determined, so passionate. He loved to tinker - on engines, on motors, on anything that required the skill of a mechanic to interpret design and translate it into a working thing. Looking back now, I realize much of what he did was out of desperation and need to provide for his family and I wonder what worries, fears and thoughts permeated these moments of joyful genius.

His presence... My father could command a room. He carried himself with such confidence, it was tangible. I was proud of my father. I was proud of his strength, his intelligence, his humor, his ability to be completely unphased by anything. He was joyful, pensive, thought-provoking, and above all loving in his own quiet, self-less way.

I think about that last day... that last morning that I ever saw him alive and there are so many things I would've done differently. It was October and I had asked him to take the air conditioner out of my bedroom window since it was starting to get cold and in my rush to get to work, I ran up to retrieve something from my room and didn't say goodbye.... Had I know what that day would bring, I would've hugged him until I had to be pried away and I would've told him how much I love him and what an important and irreplaceable spot he had in my life. I made him breakfast and sometimes I wonder if I had made something different, if I hadn't made anything at all, maybe he'd still be here. It is unnecessary guilt that likely comes with a death so sudden where there are no real answers. And yet, I can't help but wonder.

FUN.

It's amazing to me how music can inspire so many different thoughts in just a matter of a few moments. I sit here watching the Grammys - watching FUN. perform their song "Carry On" in front of a crowd that far exceeds the people filling the seats in that California auditorium, and those words somehow infiltrate every thing that is possibly on my mind in one fleeting moment.

"If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on "

Like a photo book or a silent film, thoughts flash before my eyes of my past, my present, my future...my dreams, my regrets..everything. I think of my father, his many lessons that he taught me and the many, many things I wish I could still say to him, the conversations I wish I could still have with him, the embraces I want to give him. I think of the children Dan and I so desperately want and the struggles we are going through, our future as parents, our future as spouses.  I think of my dreams to be a published author, to pursue these dreams that have embedded themselves in the depths my heart since the awkward moments of childhood when I suddenly realized that I had a gift, to experience the scintillating nuances of success...of achieving.

I am not alone, and I'm not sinking like a stone, and yet I want to prove to the people around me that I am better than what I am...that I have so much more potential than what I do day in and day out...that I have the ability to amazing. Only those closest to me know my passion for words, for writing, for creating a story in a world that is far removed from my own and yet draws so many parallels.

Life is not without struggles, but I tire of the ones that populate my life on daily basis... I want to be free of these worries and I want the people I love the most to be free of worry too. I want to be rewarded with happiness; with joy; with ease; with understanding, wisdom, and contentment.