kink...

Perhaps I'm dwelling too much on the seasons, but I can't help looking around and seeing the evidence of change everywhere. From the vibrant leaves on the trees, to the cooler temperatures, to swapping out my wardrobe from summer to winter clothes to my husband and I leaving our newlywed status behind and entering into our second year of marriage.

Change is not always easy, and especially for me, change beyond my control is the most difficult. I am and always have been a planner. I like to know exactly how things are going to go and do what I have to to execute those things as they appear on my 'to-do' list. It's a very hard concept to swallow, coming to the realization that in fact I am very much not in control and instead have to not only sit back and let things take their course, but do so patiently.

Recently, I was made aware of the fact that although I am one of the healthiest patients at my doctor's office - a status that I strive to maintain through regular exercise, healthy eating (except for those ocassional necessary trips to the vending machine for something sweet and chocolatey), and quality time spent outside in the fresh air - there is something not quite right with me. Thankfully it's not major - so far as we know - and it's 'fixable' to a degree, but it's definitely putting a kink in what I thought were very well-ironed out plans.

It's easy to let this news brew and fester and allow even more negative thoughts, concerns, fears, and worries multiply in the corners of my mind. It's hard to try to force myself to not think about the worst case scenario and wonder what the outcome would be. And although it seems like I'm most definitely not the only person on the planet dealing with this issue, it certainly feels like I am. I wonder if there was something I could've done months or years ago to prevent this or at least address it. I wonder why out of the billions of people on the planet, I'm stuck with this.

I'm hoping and praying that it'll make me stronger, but most of all I'm hoping and praying that I'll be better. Because fixing this means far, far more than it seems.