I'm stuck in a tailspin... A whirlwind that won't slow down. Just when I think the storm has calmed, it regains force and I'm tumbling and churning in a mess of emotions, fears, unknowns. This burden created by weakness, guilt, and an unceasing desire to please everyone but myself is taking its toll. I'm tired. So very tired. Tired of tears, fighting, confusion, misdirection. I want so badly to just snap my fingers and find it all fixed - make everyone happy - turn the world back on its axis.
I want answers that I know I'll never get. I want happiness that I sometimes wonder will never fully reveal itself. I want easy, carefree, lighthearted, unabashed and unrestrained pure happiness.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
resume...
On the verge of a desperation-driven meltdown... My hands don't quite know what to do with themselves and I can hardly concentrate on the task at hand. I need something new, something fresh, something that excites me. I need to feel like I have a purpose, like what I do matters. At the end of the day, I turn off my computer, drive home and have little to say to my husband about my day. Each day is no different than the last. Humdrum, ho hum, twiddle my thumbs. And yet the fear of not finding something better holds me back; the hesitation in the knowledge that I might have to stretch my means and break from this cell of a daily pattern stirs an unwelcome discomfort. I want to do what I'm passionate about; I want to rediscover the skills that have fallen into the dusty, cramped crevices of my heart and mind. Is it too much to ask to want to feel like my work is worth something? I have so many beginnings stored away lacking a fitting conclusion. I need to grasp an alternative plot - I need to hold onto it so tightly that I can think of nothing else until I've attained what it is I'm striving for. I need to ignore the excuses that keep conjuring themselves up in my mind, push them over the edge of banality and climb toward extraordinary... I deserve that much.
Monday, February 6, 2012
sweet life...
It's safe to say it's been a while... My last post was way back on November 10. In the passing of a little over 2 months, a whirlwind of memories and experiences have blown by. How much can really happen in 2 months? Enough to make me look back and realize what a wonderfully amazing life I truly have.
Holidays just have a way of making you really cherish your family. Despite trying to figure out the logistics of which family we celebrate with and what to bring and where to sit, at the heart of it all is such a deep-rooted love that I feel so blessed to be a part of. The morning of Thanksgiving, my aunt's mother passed away. She was old and frail, but such a kind, sweet heart. Although it was hard to have to see my aunt sad, we can all take comfort in the knowledge that she is no longer in a state of suffering but is now rejoicing and united with her true love.
From there, we entered the happy, busy, chaotic season of Christmas and in the midst of the stress, spending and planning, it was an exciting time to not only recall the true meaning behind the season, but to share it with my husband for the first time. There was that nostalgic pang in knowing I wouldn't be at my own mother's house, but it was replaced with an excited anticipation to begin our own traditions as our own little family. As our first Christmas together as a married couple, we endured the marathon of going from one family to the other, but it was special to experience both family's traditions together.
As I know it will be probably for the rest of my life, there were those quiet moments when I felt a certain emptiness where my father's presence should have been. It's hard to even put into words the emotions that swirl in my heart and mind during those times... Sadness, heartache, jealousy. It's those feelings that I accept but try to move beyond so that they don't mar the overall experience because I know my father wouldn't want me to dwell on his absence but instead celebrate the present...and the future.
January brought with it the New Year, new surprises, new hopes and new sadness. Grandma Knapper passed away at age 77, quietly, peacefully, painlessly in her sleep. For her death, I am sad, but for how she died, I am grateful. I'm comforted to know that she is now in heaven reunited with her husband and her eldest son. And despite the sadness of her passing, her family was able to reunite together once again for the first time in a long time in her honor. It was a special time to see those I hadn't seen in so long. It renewed my appreciation for family. No matter how long we'd gone without seeing one another, when we were all together under the same roof, I could easily detect the affection we shared for one another. It is something not everyone in this world can experience and the fact that we are blessed enough to have a family as close as we are is something I am determined to not take for granted.
And amidst everything - all the joys, sorrows, celebrations, memories - I am experiencing it all with my other half. Just 4 months have passed by since we exchanged our sacred vows; those 4 months have been a time of learning and loving. Arguing and making up. Laughing and crying. I never understood what a joy it would be to simply come home and sit down to a homemade dinner with my husband. To establish a comfortable routine together that involved that special person who makes my heart flutter. To simply fall asleep and wake up in the arms of the man I am lucky enough to spend the rest of my life with. To know every day that this life is what we make it and knowing no matter what we go through we will be doing it together, hand-in-hand. And that is making it all that much sweeter.
Holidays just have a way of making you really cherish your family. Despite trying to figure out the logistics of which family we celebrate with and what to bring and where to sit, at the heart of it all is such a deep-rooted love that I feel so blessed to be a part of. The morning of Thanksgiving, my aunt's mother passed away. She was old and frail, but such a kind, sweet heart. Although it was hard to have to see my aunt sad, we can all take comfort in the knowledge that she is no longer in a state of suffering but is now rejoicing and united with her true love.
From there, we entered the happy, busy, chaotic season of Christmas and in the midst of the stress, spending and planning, it was an exciting time to not only recall the true meaning behind the season, but to share it with my husband for the first time. There was that nostalgic pang in knowing I wouldn't be at my own mother's house, but it was replaced with an excited anticipation to begin our own traditions as our own little family. As our first Christmas together as a married couple, we endured the marathon of going from one family to the other, but it was special to experience both family's traditions together.
As I know it will be probably for the rest of my life, there were those quiet moments when I felt a certain emptiness where my father's presence should have been. It's hard to even put into words the emotions that swirl in my heart and mind during those times... Sadness, heartache, jealousy. It's those feelings that I accept but try to move beyond so that they don't mar the overall experience because I know my father wouldn't want me to dwell on his absence but instead celebrate the present...and the future.
January brought with it the New Year, new surprises, new hopes and new sadness. Grandma Knapper passed away at age 77, quietly, peacefully, painlessly in her sleep. For her death, I am sad, but for how she died, I am grateful. I'm comforted to know that she is now in heaven reunited with her husband and her eldest son. And despite the sadness of her passing, her family was able to reunite together once again for the first time in a long time in her honor. It was a special time to see those I hadn't seen in so long. It renewed my appreciation for family. No matter how long we'd gone without seeing one another, when we were all together under the same roof, I could easily detect the affection we shared for one another. It is something not everyone in this world can experience and the fact that we are blessed enough to have a family as close as we are is something I am determined to not take for granted.
And amidst everything - all the joys, sorrows, celebrations, memories - I am experiencing it all with my other half. Just 4 months have passed by since we exchanged our sacred vows; those 4 months have been a time of learning and loving. Arguing and making up. Laughing and crying. I never understood what a joy it would be to simply come home and sit down to a homemade dinner with my husband. To establish a comfortable routine together that involved that special person who makes my heart flutter. To simply fall asleep and wake up in the arms of the man I am lucky enough to spend the rest of my life with. To know every day that this life is what we make it and knowing no matter what we go through we will be doing it together, hand-in-hand. And that is making it all that much sweeter.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
