tangent...

My conscience has been nagging at me to get a new post up... I feel like I don't have anything really revolutionary or enlightening to say, not that I assume my other posts really are all that influential. As seems to be the trend lately, my emotions are in constant flux... Good days, bad days, lethargic days, apathetic days. Today is Good Friday and I feel like there should be some emotion behind that fact for me, but instead I feel this blank void. Some days, the anger and misunderstanding gets the best of me and all I see is gray and blue instead of bright colors. My mother, with whom I live currently until my wedding day in September, is very religious and has scripture verses framed in various places around the house. This morning, my eyes lingered a little longer on the verse that says, '"I have plans for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you."' I found myself choking back a laugh. What plans? Where are those plans? When will they come to be, because right now I don't see how those plans are in progress. We are blessed to have such a strong, close, loving family and I do sincerely think of that as a blessing from God. I don't not believe. The verse from Psalm 23 echoes frequently in my mind and I hold it very close to my heart because it offers more comfort. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me." I am even more blessed to have found a wonderful, caring, compassionate, sympathetic man to lean on, to hold my hand, to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel when life's toils are clouding my better judgment. This is such a convoluted, transition time full of change, unknowns, and happiness contorted with the throes of grief. I'm not ashamed to say that I am angry sometimes. Some days I just want to disappear. Other days I want to run somewhere where there is no one else and just scream. Other days I am so overwhelmed with joy for my upcoming wedding and marriage that I can hardly contain myself. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am much better off than so many other people in the world, and sometimes it takes just saying that for me to remember it. "Life isn't fair." - one of my father's most common responses to us when we'd complain. "Life is beautiful" too. "Life is a miracle." "The gift of life."

When we used to eat family dinners together on Sunday afternoon after church, I recall a phrase my father always said when praying before the meal. "Thank you for life, and for health, and for strength."

Yes.