spring...

The delicious nutty aroma of the
breathing forest floor dances
with the elusive sprightly raindrops.
Awakening life emerges in radiant
brilliance among the fallen
leaves and my heart struggles
to contain the thrill.
Birdsong harmonizes with the
symphony of the forest and a tune
near-forgotten churns in my soul.

Sir...

Appearing from the whispers
of dream wished upon in earnest,
standing before me like the
urban prince for whom I pined,
smiling with an honest sincerity
I doubted could be true,
holding out your hand to rescue
me from the torment of my loneliness,
bringing new meaning to
a lifelong future.

sinking....

So, what do I do now? I made what I feel like was my last attempt to touch base with someone who used to be one of my best and closest friends... Life has taken us both in different directions, down different paths and to different parts of the country. The separation began towards the end of college, and progressively thinned and stretched until now. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I feel like I already have. Most recently, I sent a message via Facebook to check up on her, see how life was treating her, how her recent trip to South Carolina (which I learned of only from Facebook-stalking) was, etc. It's been probably 4-5 days and I've heard nothing back...yet she's had time to update her photos and post multiple status updates. So my message was obviously ignored...and more than likely deleted. Now since my fiance and I got engaged, I've been constantly going back and forth between whether I invite this person who I haven't physically spoken to in over a year, haven't seen in over two years and haven't heard a peep from otherwise in months.... If I did invite her, would she even come? It's frustrating being the only one trying to keep a relationship above water.

tangent...

My conscience has been nagging at me to get a new post up... I feel like I don't have anything really revolutionary or enlightening to say, not that I assume my other posts really are all that influential. As seems to be the trend lately, my emotions are in constant flux... Good days, bad days, lethargic days, apathetic days. Today is Good Friday and I feel like there should be some emotion behind that fact for me, but instead I feel this blank void. Some days, the anger and misunderstanding gets the best of me and all I see is gray and blue instead of bright colors. My mother, with whom I live currently until my wedding day in September, is very religious and has scripture verses framed in various places around the house. This morning, my eyes lingered a little longer on the verse that says, '"I have plans for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you."' I found myself choking back a laugh. What plans? Where are those plans? When will they come to be, because right now I don't see how those plans are in progress. We are blessed to have such a strong, close, loving family and I do sincerely think of that as a blessing from God. I don't not believe. The verse from Psalm 23 echoes frequently in my mind and I hold it very close to my heart because it offers more comfort. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me." I am even more blessed to have found a wonderful, caring, compassionate, sympathetic man to lean on, to hold my hand, to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel when life's toils are clouding my better judgment. This is such a convoluted, transition time full of change, unknowns, and happiness contorted with the throes of grief. I'm not ashamed to say that I am angry sometimes. Some days I just want to disappear. Other days I want to run somewhere where there is no one else and just scream. Other days I am so overwhelmed with joy for my upcoming wedding and marriage that I can hardly contain myself. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am much better off than so many other people in the world, and sometimes it takes just saying that for me to remember it. "Life isn't fair." - one of my father's most common responses to us when we'd complain. "Life is beautiful" too. "Life is a miracle." "The gift of life."

When we used to eat family dinners together on Sunday afternoon after church, I recall a phrase my father always said when praying before the meal. "Thank you for life, and for health, and for strength."

Yes.

tech...

The ongoing benefits of technology never cease to amaze. As much as sometimes we may not want to succumb to the convenience, maybe even the sheer laziness, that technology can foster, sometimes we find ways to use it to our honest benefit.

This is truly the year for weddings... I'm sure everyone went through that period in life where everyone they knew and their neighbor was getting married. It has probably shifted in age as time has gone on, but inevitably everyone will experience that one year where they were invited to a million weddings. It's a running joke now in my office - there are so many girls engaged that it's almost unfortunate for someone else to happily 'join' our club because it's to the point that they just get chalked up to a number... another punch line in an ongoing joke. Including me, there are 9 engaged girls in my office. If that's not crazy enough, two of my college friends are getting married this year - this month, actually (lucky them!). Oh, and four of my cousins are getting married, too... which brings me to my point.

Three of my four cousins getting married this year are on my father's side and all live in the midwest - specifically the Illinois/Michigan area. To limit time and travel for those invited, one of my aunts has decided to throw a joint bridal shower for us brides. Being the odd bride out living in Massachusetts, and since every spare penny I have is literally going toward my wedding fund, there is no feasible way I'll be able to fly myself out to participate in said shower. However, thanks to the constant development of technology, we've decided to have a Skype Shower! My mother, sister-in-law and I will be able to skype from my fiance's house while everyone else is at my grandmother's condo in Michigan. Not only will it give us a chance to catch up and see each other open gifts, but that side of the family will get to meet the newest addition - Henry Jacob, who is now over a month old, and they'll get to actually meet my fiance. Other than the aunts and uncles who traveled out for my father's funeral 6 months ago (to the day), the cousins on that side haven't had the joy of meeting the most wonderful man in the world (although I may be biased... I'm sure the other brides think the same about their fiances).

So although technology allows us to sit on our butts the majority of the day, moving only to lift a finger to change the channel, turn out the lights, start our cars, order delivery dinner, and even get a degree for goodness sake, sometimes it really has its honest-to-goodness benefits.