step...

I've decided that instead of moping, mourning what can't be changed, I'm going to face this future of mine head on. Will I still grieve? Of course. This is inevitable. But there is more than one way to grieve. I have so much to look forward to, number one being my wedding to an amazing, caring, loving man. For a while there, this wedding and all the planning leading up to it was the only thing holding me together. But it's time to face the truth of life and although there will be hard times, tears, pain, and everything else that comes with the imperfection of humanity, happiness lies beneath it all. Happiness is not only an emotion...it's a state of mind. If we determine to be happy, we will be no matter what obstacles roll across our paths.

I'm tired of being angry, of feeling bitter, of feeling like the world owes me something because something was taken from me. I can only be happy for the blessings I was afforded with and from my father during the time he was alive; I have to cherish these things and forge ahead as I know he would want me to. I am who I am much to the credit of my father, and I'm not going to let him down by allowing the simple facts of life affect my determination to be and do everything I am capable of. I am strong. I am determined. I have heart, ambition, drive. Words I can recall most clearly from my father were those he spoke when we'd whine about having to do something we didn't want to do. "I didn't ask you if you wanted to," he would say. Life doesn't pause to ask us if we want it to go a certain way, follow a certain path. If it did, we might not be the people we are today and that could be a bad thing.

We take one step in front of the other because we know we have to if we are going to get anywhere. Of course I believe that God directs the course of my life and I trust him to lead me in the direction I'm meant to go...but that doesn't mean sitting idle and expecting the world to move along without me having to put some effort into it. After all, the priests carrying the Arc of the Covenant had to step into the rushing River Jordan before God parted the waters and afforded them safe passage across dry ground. We have to have that faith to take the first step. Walking blindly can be the most frightening thing in the world - I can only imagine the fear that must race through my mother's veins when she contemplates the unexpected mystery of her future and I would be lying if I said I didn't fear for her as well. But, my brothers and I are strong. And we will get through this together as a family. Because we can.