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Anguished, wretching screams
churn in the dark corners.
The shadows of overwhelming
loss stretch and contort,
seeping into every void.
In a fleeting moment, a
breath, a life, a memory
is gone.

clench...

Angry. Confused. Tossing, turning, churning. Desperately clinging to what I wish no longer was. To go back. To return. To be a child holding my father's hand. Unabandoned trust, effortless idolization, eternal pride. To feel safe, secure, unhindered by the pangs of life's toils. I want to tumble into that rabbit hole and find myself in a parallel universe where life actually makes sense and I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and remind myself of this painful, heart-wrenching reality. I want to skip ahead - push beyond all this initial heartache and fast forward to a state of numbness. The anger wells as a defense mechanism... Because I see my mother on the verge of breaking down and I'm forced to leave her to her own vices, licking her wounds and staring into this new, unknown world with blind vision. Oh for just a glimmer into the future...to know what this is all leading to...to understand...to find justification.

Make me a rainbow,
give me eternal sunshine
brilliant, white clouds
sing-song lullabies of
haphazard day dreams
give me cobalt skies
deep and open and free
lush green fields
swaying in honest abandon
Make me a rainbow
so I can dream this
all away.

ache...

I want it back.
That hand to hold when
fears stir within me, that
smile to show me I'm loved.
That laugh that brightens
the darkest day and that
heart that loved
relentlessly.

I want to curl up in those
strong arms and hear
how everything will be ok,
the hands of time to reverse
forever and again call you
father-mine.

wake...

Calloused, dull eyes
stare out in to a gray world.
Black birds devour a lifeless
carcass, pecking competition.
Clouds of onyx silently
scroll across the broken sky.
Snow like ash flutters on
the chilling breeze, a
morbid waltz with no partner.
She hugged the photo to her
breast and wept.