beat

You hold my heart in the
palm of your hand. On a
sunny, summer day, I
gave up guarding it and
wholly surrendered
it to the security of
your embrace.

Every beat echoes your
name, pumping enlightening
affection through every cell
of myself. Each soft kiss
introduces breath to my
thirsty soul.

Every wall is broken down.
All resolve is reshapen
to unconditional purpose
I now know. You give
me new life, and my
heart will always
remain yours.

paragon

the way you hold my hand,
our fingers securely intertwined.
the way our kisses meet,
sweet sparks from your lips to mine.
Nothing but perfection.

the way we cuddle in early mornings,
my head gently nestled on your chest.
the way your arms surround me
security belied in honest manifest.
Nothing but perfection.

the way you simply utter my name,
cherished warmth within your voice.
the way your love completes me
fulfilling delight that I am your choice.
Nothing but perfection.

the way I know beyond any doubt
no longer will I be without
joy that causes me to shout
the world over that you are mine
and nothing but perfection.

again...

The dreams keep coming. There's no question as to the reason; my anticipation, hope and excitement belies the obvious. Ready. Waiting. I catch myself imagining the day and a smile tugs at the corners of my lips, unbidden. Will there be tears? Will I be taken off guard? Where will it happen? But of course - the question lingering, teetering, at the very top - when?

The most recent dream was, thankfully, a bit more emotionally involved. We were somewhere near a beach. It was evening. We were walking past restaurants and storefronts, and suddenly I'd been pulled aside to an alley of shadows and quivering lights of the night. Dan stood in front of me, his hands holding my arms. He professed his love and quickly blurted with emotion heavy on his voice 'will you marry me?' As he was saying this, he removed a ring box from his pocket; opening it there was another box inside with the ring visible from within the box. When I opened it I found not the ring I'd picked out, but something different. I still loved it.

When I recounted this tale to my mother, she asked if I had thought what my reaction truly might be if I didn't receive the ring I'd picked out with her on our excursion. Thinking on that, I realized that my reaction would be the same no matter what- sheer and utter joy that the so long awaited had finally come to pass. It's not so much the jewelry that matters, but the meaning behind the symbol. As a friend so simply yet eloquently put it after her recent engagement: "He loves me." And that is all I need.

dreams

They've been frequent, although not to the point of being regular. Engagement dreams. My cousin said she had them all the time before her now-husband proposed... maybe it's a sign. It's funny how they've progressed though, in a surprisingly positive fashion. One would think that as the time supposedly loomed closer, they might get worse.

I was leaving my home, walking out to my car and there he stood. Just standing there next to my car with his arm outstretched, a velvet black box snuggled in the palm of his hand. My response, lacking any forethought, was "you call that a proposal?"

I can't recall the time or place. All I can remember is the ring - an absolutely horribly hideous piece of jewelry that may have been considered vogue in the early 20th century. It was four square stones arranged in a larger square, each bearing a pattern that contrasted the other. The stones were dark in color and nothing like what I wanted.

Most recently, we were at some function with a large group of people including various members of my family. Speeches or toasts were underway, and Dan stood up and stole the microphone from someone, then looked at one of my brothers and said, "would your sister marry me?" I was awestruck and immediately broke into tears as he slipped the ring on my finger. It was almost exactly what I wanted except the center stone was big, clunky and cloudy with a significant flaw in the middle of it. It held no sparkle; dull is the best way to describe it.

In a conscious effort to put aside my hopes and expectations so I can be surprised when the day comes, my subconscious is compensating... and it's a bit frustrating!

preview...

"...The scenes from outside the car window flashed by, haunting shadows careening through the dark night like faceless ghosts searching out their lost souls. She shivered despite the mugginess of the evening, hesitantly anticipating returning to her apartment. She tried so hard to maintain a strong façade, but the turmoil quivering inside her was becoming more and more difficult to mask.
He reached across the center console and took hold of her hand, his fingers intertwining with hers in a perfect fit. “Are you okay?”
She turned from the window to see his eyes on her, occasionally darting back to the road as he drove. Laying her other hand on top of his, she felt her guard falling. “Would you stay with me tonight?”
He squeezed her hand, his eyes on the road, and nodded..."

ANGRY...

It's time someone said this to you, broke down and just gave you the raw, black and white truth with no glamour, no glitz. People should be tired of walking around you as if on eggshells, treating you as though you might break at the smallest hint of criticism because you know what? You're bringing this on yourself. Grow up. People talk about you behind your back and you don't even know it because you're too damn self absorbed in creating and stewing in your own misery. You've concocted this disgusting black filth that you voluntarily douse yourself in just to get the attention and sympathy of others. Well guess what? People are starting to see through it. I've seen it for a while now, but in an effort to protect what I once thought was a truly broken soul, I ignored it. I'm done with that. I'm done standing up for you. I'm done telling people there's an underlying reason. You skulk around and treat other people like shit because you think you can, because they all let you because they feel sorry for you. That's fading faster than you can imagine. The people closest to you are seeing through the sheepskin you wear day in and day out, and instead are seeing the wolf underneath. When the people who should care about you most begin to resent even the idea of being around you...where do you turn?
I've never seen someone so selfish, so bent on making other people uncomfortable. It's like you thrive on seeing other people squirm. You're not satisfied until you've succeeded in pushing away the people you need the most. You can only cheat death so many times. If everyone else is so close to giving up on your, your guardian angel that literally saved your life can't be far behind. If I didn't know better, I'd think you caused all that...on purpose...despite the rumored stories. Just for the attention. Any normal person would have been distraught after such an experience. You? You were standing there taking pictures, and making silly faces. A brush with death, for anyone else, would result in a regenerated frame of mind, a re-established passion for life. You? You're disappointed that the alternative didn't happen.
Grow the fuck up.