step...

I'll forewarn that this is just a rant; it's been building for a while, and chances of the focus of this rant actually first reading it and second understanding all of what I'm about to unleash is more than likely unlikely. If the unlikelihood of the unlikely becoming likely in turns comes to pass, I stand firm on the following rant and refuse to apologize because it all needs to be heard...

Whoever coined the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" was certainly a giant among men. The line itself has withstood the test of time, taking form in various media including (only because it sticks out in my mind at this very moment)the Disney film of the mid 20th century - Bambi. The rambunctious rabbit, Thumper, turns his nose up in disdain at the clovers offered for dinner by his mother. At his wayward exclamation of distaste, his mother chided him with this fail-safe mantra.

So, all that said, the simplest and most forward thing I cant help but say is Grow up! Literally and figuratively nitpicking every person's intricate flaws, accidental or repetative, is only going to further the scrutiny with which those people view you. A mistake is a mistake and a flaw is a flaw. They happen every day, and somehow people all around the world continue to go on with their lives. However your trend seems to follow as such: the more other people's flaws are magnified, the smaller your own will become?

Due to the more recent unfolding obstacles that this chapter in life has thrown in the road, you've seen fit to make the world tip-toe around you as though on eggshells, like one misstep, one wrong word, one slip of the tongue will somehow send you reeling into uncontrollable depression, self-loathing and internal destruction. Having read that chapter, and effectively been the main character myself, I can honestly say it's time to move on. It's time to turn the page. It's time to wake up to the reality that the world isn't constantly monitoring every single move made... It will if you continue to silently ask it to. Your lack of self-worth and respect for anyone else included is only attracting more attention. If you were to repose into the comforting throws of normalcy, health and acceptance, the world wouldn't look so cruel.

It's time to stop fighting. It's time to stand up for yourself, own your insecurities, your imperfections, your past - it is who you are and no matter how desperately you try, that will not change. It won't go away, it can't be erased or smeared into a state of unrecongnizable oblivion. You are who you are because of your past. With that, you can choose to move forward or forever remain in a hanging balance of inevitable purgatory. If you cannot go back, the only direction to go is forward.

I've offered my help. I've offered my advice, my personal story, my own pain, anguish and ugly past in an effort to somehow ease your suffering. I'm realizing, however, much like trying to clear brush away from the ground, there is always dirt under the surface. Dirt can never be wiped clean. If you're comfortable in your own suffering - if that suffering has somehow become some sort of sadistic safety net that you cling to for comfort as the only thing you know - it will be that much harder to drop it and walk away.

Stop trying to remove the sliver from your neighbor's eye when there is a plank in your own.

prey...

Wishing on a teardrop diamond
away ye torturing sickness and death.
Crumpled in a fetal ball, whispering
desperate cries of hope.

Aching with a tremoring despair,
digging deep - clawing, fighting -
for any indication of existence.

Darkness cringes in the corners,
slinking and slithering, spewing
deceit in its wake.
Vestiges of light just barely
hold fast.

Mouthing a voiceless mantra
she wept.

island...

Teamwork. As 'motivational-poster' as it sounds, it's actually quite uplifting and invigorating to see first hand the profits of working as a team. It certainly can be challenging, especially for the likes of me. Having honed my skill of being possibly too independent for my own good, the concept of allowing someone else in on my dreams and visions can be quite daunting. But at the same time, the task is a bridge to something even bigger, and so to not give in is to inhibit personal growth. Because although my vision may be forced to evolve out of sheer struggle for survival, that evolution will couple imagination, compromise, character.

lifetime...

Dreaming. Eyes open. Fingers intertwined. A smile ever so gently plays at the corners of my lips at the thought... the thoughts... of you. In the deepest corners of my heart I know, without a doubt, that there will be stormy days. There will be clouds and rain, maybe even thunder and lightning; but the clearing skies, the breaking sunshine make it all worth it, make it all mean something more. The good can't be aptly appreciated without the bad.

But those days are far off... Lingering at the vestiges of the edge, barely in sight. Now there is only joy, curiosity, bliss, perfection...there is us.

For so long I wondered and wandered, caught this circling nightmare, the same questions and fears swirling round and round. Tossing and turning, tumbling and churning. In a hopeless and visionless moment, I followed the beat of my heart and somehow those footsteps led me... to you. In the quiet, contemplative, rejuvinations of nostalgia, you swept me off my feet. Unexpected, unprepared but unquestionably ready. Ready for a future. Ready for completion. Ready for a lifetime.

Ready with you.

cancer...

My world slowly crumbles in on itself
like a wave crashing in slow motion.
Emotions like the fragile walls of a sand castle
implode in a catastrophic collapse.
Hope slowly fades like a lost friend;
its face quivers in the shimmering shadows
of my memory, and the curtain slowly
closes in.

I don't turn my back just yet;
I can't let go of that whispering desperation
to just cling on a little longer.
A tender, nearly silent whimper...
Squinting to restrain the inevitable tears,
I quietly, imploringly beg for a miracle.

Please not again. Just prove it to me...
just this time.
I might just withstand the last shattering wave,
the final punch. I can't
blow out the candle yet.

nightgown...

my feet fall steadily on the sand
the rocks, the wood, the pavement
a steady, simple pace - plodding, plodding.
between my toes the tall grass
tickles, bowing and swaying in delight.
the clouds soar by; hurry, hurry
breezes measured watch their tarry.

the sun, it arches, sloping through,
lazy, sleepy, falling down.
i struggle on, my feet still moving
moving forward and onward on.
the night birds call in mournful
song, prismatic eyes follow
my steps as the lonesome
moon burns.

field

i close my eyes and revel...
the sweet earthy aroma of the wild grass assails me
birds sing merrily from the trees
a soft breeze lazily wafts by and i hear
the fast clapping of wings overhead
crickets chirp in harmony with the droning
buzz of a honeybee nearby
from far off down the hill i hear the
bell of the town hall tolling... ding...dong
even it sways with a relaxed sigh
the rays from the sun gently beat down
and warm my skin like a summer blanket
i so cleverly evade the temptation
of sleep as my hand so perfectly
nestles in yours

mother...

You gave me your smile
and you gave me your courage
You gave me your strength
and your passion for life.

You gave me your heart
and you gave me your light
You gave me your laughter
and your fight for a voice.

You gave me your love
and you gave me your song
You gave me your hands
and your drive for success.

You gave me my life,
and you showed me the world
You helped me to grow
and embrace who I am.

You taught me the Truth
and you showed me the way.
And I'm proud of the woman
I am because of you.

pinch...

My souls brightens like the rising sun at the thought of your smile,
my heart unfolds as a spring blossom at your touch.
I am vulnerable and innocent in your warm embrace,
yet strong and complete with you by my side.
Your words send flutters and shivers down my spine
like a cooling breeze on a hot summer day.
A smile from your lips lifts my lowest of spirits and
everything about you breathes life
to my dreams.

fairytale...

One look and through your kind eyes, I see the reflection of our lives. Within the honest gaze and under the chuckling sparkle, scenes both future and past. Swirling snow mingling with the nostalgia of summer blossoms. Dancing rays of sunshine gently illuminating our unfolding pages. In a perfect blink, you stand at the head of a petal-strewn aisle. Birds sing, bells toll, a gentle breeze whispers over the hush, and I take a step. Today, a dream. Someday hallowed reality. My hand in yours, and yours in mine. A rippling forever discovered in the softest sigh.

And for us there will be no happily ever after.... but happily forever.