aulde ang syne....

It seems as though a huge wave has approached with all the fear, insanity and draw of a typical natural disaster and crashed, leaving behind only a singularly anticlimactic emotional cavern. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year - possibly because I'm surrounded by family, possibly because my birthday is in there and adds to the numbers of gifts to unwrap, possibly because I enjoy good food and pretty lights and cheery music and all the other details that contribute to make the Christmas holiday season festive. This year, there was just this void, this asylum of emptiness.

I've found myself having an extremely hard time with the transition. The uprooting from my established home and comfort in South Carolina to the abrupt transplantation back here in Massachusetts. My fingers and toes are freezing in the near-Arctic climate composed of inches upon inches of snow, temperatures dropping well below cold, and the days quickly coming to a curt ending as the sun sets in the late afternoon instead of evening like everywhere else. I try to remain positive - try to keep clicking my red-donned shoes together and thinking there's no place like home. All those months when I was curled up in bed and crying because I was homesick are coming back to me now, except now I'm sick for the reverse. I miss the friends that had become my family. I miss the style that had become my life. I miss going out and gettting into trouble and staying out until well past 2 a.m. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere. I miss having a niche.

But as I list all these things I miss, I chide myself for not being satisfied, content, grateful for all the things I do have. It's not that I'm not.... I just don't acclimate to change very well.... That cliche "you don't know what you had til it's gone", although overused to the point of being wrinkled and dingy and dilapidated, still rings entirely all too true.

humerus.....

The long search is over...or at least put back on the shelf. After a desperate, time-consuming search accompanied by pots of coffee and fistfuls of hair, I was awarded for my efforts. Finally a job. Not really in my field, but something that will pay the bills and - even better - be enjoyable.

Patient Services Coordinator at Marlborough Orthodontics

Is it silly of me to be excited that I get to wear scrubs every day? That I won't have to go scrambling for new additions of professional wear to my depleted wardrobe? That I get to be comfy all day long and not have to get up an extra fifteen minutes early just to iron, starch, and polish? I'm going to go with my gut feeling and say no.

Memories flitter back and forth of the many hours and days spent studying biology, anatomy, physiology, microbiology, and organic chemistry. Locked in my room, repeating the names of bones and muscles and nerves until they stuck...and then repeating them some more. Dental hygiene was once a passion, once a dream. I wonder if a remnant of that dream holds tight to a corner of my mind, just tightly enough to come back every now and again.

For now, I am happy and satisfied to have something that will keep me occupied and pay my bills. The fact that it will be fun and light is just a perk. We see what other perks follow......

pillow....

Feeling disconnected at best. Like I don't have a place, somewhere that I belong. I belong here, I tell myself, but the reminder of what I've left behind creeps in like darkness as the sun sets. I miss stability. I miss a schedule. I miss that constant busyness. For now, I have to settle to be taken care of. To be dependent on anything but myself because for now, just for now, I can't do it alone. Such a strange feeling to be so completely incapable, so inadequate, so helpless.

But I'm pressing on, pushing forward, adamantly taking the offensive. I will get past this. I will succeed. I will. I will.

I'm thankful for family. Thankful for those who, despite everything, will always be there with open arms and open doors. To be able to depend on something so stable and so sure is a blessing beyond understanding. It's at least a blanket from the cold.