10/5

Time can be so painfully tricky; one memory, at the same time, can feel both like yesterday and like a lifetime ago. Six years ago today, a piece of my heart broke. There are so many moments from that day that are as clear as looking through a glass window, while so many other memories are so distant and foggy, clouded by life's experiences. The pain of that loss, I've learned, doesn't really go away; it just evolves with the passing of time, becoming more of an ache, an emptiness, a void in the seemingly mundane revolution of day after day.

I will never stop missing my father. Although I know I shouldn't cheapen the value of the memories that we made, it is so hard not to get caught up in wishing for the memories I can't have.  I don't think I will ever stop wishing he was here to watch my children grow up, to be the grandfather he never got to be, to see the life I've made for myself. I don't know that I'll ever rid myself of the regrets I carry with me, things I wish I had a chance to do differently had I known the fate of that day, especially just stopping to tell him I loved him one last time instead of dashing out the door because I was late to work.

What I hate most is the fact that my memories of him are fading, slowly but surely. I can't remember his voice like I used to, or imagine the strength of his embrace. I long so desperately to hear his laugh, see his smile, watch the way he garnered the attention of the people around him not only for his commanding appearance, but for the caring and accepting way in which he treated each person he met.

My experiences as a child and young adult are what have brought to the place in life I'm currently in, and I owe all of that to my parents. Being a parent myself now, I feel like I have a better understanding of the sacrifices my father and mother made for us growing up and I would give anything to be able to have that conversation with him, to thank him for raising us to be the individuals we are - strong, driven, humble, kind.

My father will forever have that special place in my heart; I just wish it wasn't broken.